Premarital counseling : discover the 9 essential topics to discuss

➡️ All the essen­tial pre-mar­riage prep topics to get you off to a good start.

When consi­de­ring taking the plunge and com­mit­ting to mar­riage, it’s easy to get caught up in the exci­te­ment of pre­pa­ra­tions, invi­ta­tions and deco­ra­tions. And it’s easy to miss out on the sub­jects that are essen­tial to any pre­mar­riage prep : the key issues to address as a couple so that the par­ty doesn’t last a day, but also the thou­sands that will fol­low.
Indeed, after the famous pro­po­sal, the first thing we often do is look for our wed­ding dress, choose our recep­tion hall and sup­pliers, pre­pare our wed­ding ceremony…👰
Howe­ver, apart from the fes­tive aspect of the event, it’s essen­tial to focus on the fun­da­men­tal aspects that will lay the foun­da­tions of your union for years to come. To build a strong and ful­filling mar­riage rela­tion­ship, it’s essen­tial to ask and explore key ques­tions before com­mit­ting to marriage. 

💡 If at first you’re won­de­ring if pre­ma­ri­tal coun­se­ling pro­grams are for you, we recom­mend our com­plete guide on pre­ma­ri­tal coun­se­ling in 10 ques­tions.

In this com­pre­hen­sive article, we take an in-depth look at nine cru­cial themes for future spouses. The dis­cus­sions you have around these topics will serve as the foun­da­tion for a las­ting and mea­ning­ful relationship. 
Temps de qualité en couple

Table of contents 

1 – Your family heritage and experience

A couple is two grown-up people who know them­selves and what they’ve been built on.
One of the foun­da­tions of any rela­tion­ship is the­re­fore the fami­ly heri­tage and values pas­sed on by the parents of each of the enga­ged couple. 
So, before you com­mit to mar­riage, it’s impor­tant to take aclose look at which ele­ments of your fami­ly heri­tage you’d like to keep, and which you’d pre­fer to leave behind.
This intros­pec­tion fos­ters bet­ter mutual unders­tan­ding and helps lay the foun­da­tions for a solid union. 
As future brides and grooms, iden­ti­fy the values pas­sed on by your res­pec­tive fami­lies and reflect on those you’d like to inte­grate into your mar­ried life. 
Simi­lar­ly, dis­cuss open­ly the pat­terns and beha­viors you’d like to avoid, to create a unique voice as a couple. 

Sound abs­tract ? Here are a few concrete examples :

Here are some examples of things you might want to keep and reproduce in your life together :

➡️ « My parents used to spend one eve­ning a week without us, as lovers, and this see­med to make them very happy. »

➡️ « I grew up in a very open home : there were always friends, fami­ly… pas­sing through and I real­ly enjoyed gro­wing up in that environment. »

Here are some examples of things you might want to set aside and not keep in your future life together :

➡️ « My parents only resol­ved conflicts by shou­ting, then pre­ten­ded nothing had hap­pe­ned. I wish we could work differently. »

➡️ « We rare­ly, if ever, had meals toge­ther as a fami­ly. I mis­sed it. »

➡️ « In my fami­ly, racism and into­le­rance are wides­pread. I don’t want that in our home ».

les clés pour se préparer au mariage

2 – Your history since you met ; your couple’s strengths and weaknesses

Once you’ve taken stock of your indi­vi­dual jour­neys, it’s time to take stock of the road you’ve tra­vel­led as a couple : remem­ber why you chose each other, how your sto­ry came about, and ana­lyze the strengths and weak­nesses of your rela­tion­ship with honesty. 
This sha­red his­to­ry, which some call the « foun­ding myth » of the couple, is very impor­tant. Nume­rous stu­dies have shown that the hap­pi­ness and lon­ge­vi­ty of couples are clo­se­ly cor­re­la­ted with the way (posi­tive or nega­tive) they talk about each other. 

Don’t forget your strengths :

    And if your choice to build toge­ther seems obvious, it’s still impor­tant to take the time to remem­ber :
  • 👉🏼 Why you chose each other : at the very begin­ning of your sto­ry, but also what confir­med your choice over time.
  • 👉🏼 What miles­tones you’ve alrea­dy rea­ched toge­ther (both posi­tive and nega­tive), and above all how you over­came them.

Build on your weaknesses :

    Final­ly, dis­cuss your strengths and weak­nesses. as a couple will enable you to :
  • 👉🏼 In times of dif­fi­cul­ty, you can look back on your strengths and build on them.
  • 👉🏼 Be vigi­lant about areas for impro­ve­ment, and think of ways to work on them.

Taking care of your rela­tion­ship also means being clear-hea­ded and kno­wing how to roll up your sleeves.

3 – The compatibility of your personalities

While per­so­na­li­ty dif­fe­rences may ini­tial­ly add attrac­tion and enrich­ment to your rela­tion­ship, they can also be the source of poten­tial long-term conflict.
To prevent these dif­fe­rences from beco­ming pro­ble­ma­tic in your mar­ried life, take the time to explore in depth how your per­so­na­li­ties com­ple­ment each other or can poten­tial­ly conflict. 

The first ques­tion is : 
What traits in our two per­so­na­li­ties set us apart the most ?

Learn to accept and value these dif­fe­rences, while wor­king toge­ther to find prac­ti­cal solu­tions for har­mo­nious coexistence.

Also, to end on a posi­tive note, iden­ti­fy the areas where this com­ple­men­ta­ri­ty has alrea­dy streng­the­ned your rela­tion­ship and how it could conti­nue to be a strength in the future.

    Here are some examples of per­so­na­li­ty pairs to work on :
  • Opti­mis­tic /​ pes­si­mis­tic
  • Neat /​ mes­sy
  • Tal­ka­tive /​ taci­turn
  • Lia­bi­li­ties /​ Assets
  • Ratio­nal /​ ins­tinc­tive
  • Orga­ni­zed /​ intui­tive
gestion des tâches ménagères

4 – The foundations of your marriage

A suc­cess­ful mar­riage is based on a sha­red inten­tion.

Before you take your vows and say yes on the big day, take the time to define the values, rituals and expec­ta­tions you want to inte­grate into your mar­ried life.
Mar­riage is a com­mit­ment that goes far beyond a par­ty. Why do you want to get mar­ried ? What are your moti­va­tions, from the most super­fi­cial to the dee­pest ? To help you ans­wer these ques­tions, we’ve put toge­ther an article on the sub­ject that you can find here : https://www.unio-preparation.com//en/blog/why-get-married/.
This step will pro­vide you with a com­pass for your relationship.
It will enable you to draw strength from the com­mit­ment you made on your wed­ding day throu­ghout your jour­ney together. 

Specifically, before the wedding :

  • 👉🏼 Iden­ti­fy the values that are par­ti­cu­lar­ly impor­tant to each of you (loyal­ty, adven­ture, security…),
  • 👉🏼 Dis­cuss your mutual needs and expec­ta­tions (such as ten­der­ness, trust…),
  • 👉🏼 Consi­der the rituals you’d like to per­pe­tuate or create : a week­ly break­fast in bed ? a trip for two a year ? share a spi­ri­tual practice…
  • 👉🏼 Deter­mine the spe­ci­fic ingre­dients that will contri­bute to your mari­tal hap­pi­ness. What is your vision of a suc­cess­ful wedding ?
  • 👉🏼 Define the limits neces­sa­ry to main­tain a heal­thy rela­tion­ship : what is and isn’t accep­table to you ?

5 – Communication, an essential part of your premarital counseling course

Com­mu­ni­ca­tion is a fun­da­men­tal pillar of a ful­filling relationship. 

    Take advan­tage of the pre-mar­riage prep per­iod to assess your cur­rent com­mu­ni­ca­tion habits.
  • Make sure you know how to acti­ve­ly lis­ten to your part­ner and that you also feel lis­te­ned to in return.
  • Are you com­for­table dis­cus­sing all sub­jects with your part­ner ? If this isn’t alrea­dy the case, try to unders­tand the under­lying rea­sons and explore ways of impro­ving your communication.
✏️ Tech­niques such as non-violent com­mu­ni­ca­tion and active lis­te­ning can go a long way towards streng­the­ning your dia­logue and crea­ting a space for open, res­pect­ful communication.
Dis­co­ve­ring them during your enga­ge­ment is a trea­sure for your couple ! 

6 – Conflict management 

Disa­gree­ments are an inte­gral part of any rela­tion­ship, but it’s essen­tial to deal with them constructively.

dispute de couple

Take time to eva­luate how you handle conflict in your relationship :

Identify negative patterns :

👉🏼 Iden­ti­fy nega­tive pat­terns that could be repea­ted and unders­tand how your emo­tio­nal reac­tions influence your inter­ac­tions. A heal­thy argu­ment is a non-violent one, where eve­ryone is allo­wed to express themselves.

Reconnect after a disagreement : 

👉🏼 Learn how to recon­nect after a disa­gree­ment and explore ways to streng­then your bond after an argu­ment. This includes forgiveness.

It’s impor­tant to remem­ber that conflict mana­ge­ment is an ongoing skill that requires patience and com­mit­ment. « Kno­wing how to argue is not innate ; it has to be learned.
The Unio pre­ma­ri­tal coun­se­ling coursegives you the keys to a heal­thier, more construc­tive way of dea­ling with disputes. 
This appren­ti­ce­ship is a great gift you can give your couple before cele­bra­ting your marriage. 

7 – Your sexual intimacy

Open and honest com­mu­ni­ca­tion about sexua­li­ty is essen­tial for a ful­filling rela­tion­ship, for a hap­py marriage. 
    Before cele­bra­ting your union, take the time to dis­cuss :
  • ➡️ the place of sexua­li­ty in your mar­ried life
  • ➡️ your level of satisfaction
  • ➡️ what sti­mu­lates or hin­ders your sexual desire

Ano­ther inter­es­ting dimen­sion of your mar­riage pre­pa­ra­tion is to exa­mine the mes­sages you recei­ved about sexua­li­ty during your child­hood and ear­ly adul­thood. Their impact is often very great on your cur­rent inti­mate life. 

Final­ly, it’s an oppor­tu­ni­ty to talk frank­ly about the notion of fide­li­ty and to dis­cuss what is accep­table for both of you. Esta­blish a clear agree­ment about the limits of your inti­ma­cy to main­tain a solid, res­pect­ful relationship. 

8 – Your vision of the family

Many couples see mar­riage as the star­ting point for crea­ting a new family. 

What does « starting a family » mean to you ?

    The pros­pect of « star­ting a fami­ly » can mean dif­ferent things to dif­ferent people :
  • have chil­dren biologically,
  • adopt them,
  • stay two,
  • che­rish pets, 
  • …

Your expectations and preferences

    If you’re consi­de­ring paren­thood, dis­cuss your plans open­ly. expec­ta­tions and pre­fe­rences. As you pre­pare for your mar­riage, dis­cuss topics such as :
  • the num­ber of chil­dren you wish to have,
  • your edu­ca­tio­nal values,
  • the role you’d like to play as a parent,
  • the place of your exten­ded fami­ly in the lives of your future children,
  • the place of your couple in your future family,
  • …
Clear, honest com­mu­ni­ca­tion about these topics will help avoid future frus­tra­tions and esta­blish a solid foun­da­tion for your fami­ly life.
Temps de qualité en famille

9 – Your life together 

Mar­riage is not just about cele­bra­tion and fes­ti­vi­ty, but also about crea­ting a sha­red future. 

Take the time to exa­mine your vision of your future life in depth, on two levels :

Daily life as a married couple. 

Dis­cuss money mana­ge­ment and your joint bud­get, hou­se­hold mana­ge­ment, time-sha­ring and your res­pec­tive career aspi­ra­tions.

Look for a balance that works for both of you, and be sure to re-eva­luate these arran­ge­ments per­io­di­cal­ly to take into account changes in your situa­tion and aspirations.

Your personal and shared dreams

Sha­ring a dai­ly rou­tine, but not only ! 

The couple pro­vides a solid foun­da­tion for rea­li­zing indi­vi­dual and sha­red aspi­ra­tions.
Exa­mi­ning desires and pro­jects toge­ther encou­rages momen­tum towards their rea­li­za­tion, by consi­de­ring prac­ti­cal solu­tions together. 
For example, retrai­ning requires finan­cial and time dis­cus­sions, in order to ligh­ten the hou­se­hold load. 

It’s impor­tant to talk about these issues before you get married. 

Conclusion

The per­iod lea­ding up to mar­riage offers a valuable oppor­tu­ni­ty to explore these nine essen­tial topics in depth.
Whe­ther you’ve cho­sen a civil, secu­lar or reli­gious wed­ding, and whe­ther you’re a hete­ro­sexual or same-sex couple, the­re’s a lot more to pre­pa­ring your wed­ding than just orga­ni­zing the day (cock­tails, wed­ding announ­ce­ment, choice of cate­rer, offi­ciant, wed­ding rings…).
The orga­ni­za­tion of D‑Day should not over­sha­dow the fun­da­men­tal issues. 

By addres­sing these topics with genuine sin­ce­ri­ty and com­mit­ment, you’ll lay a solid foun­da­tion for your rela­tion­ship as a mar­ried couple. 

Keep in mind that mar­riage is an ongoing, evol­ving jour­ney. Keep inves­ting time and ener­gy in your rela­tion­ship, com­mu­ni­ca­ting open­ly and gro­wing toge­ther to face the chal­lenges and joys life has in store for you.

As you’ve seen, the topics to be dis­cus­sed before get­ting mar­ried are vast, and we can qui­ck­ly feel lost.
To guide you step by step through these dis­cus­sions and reflec­tions, you can choose to fol­low the Unio pre­ma­ri­tal coun­se­ling pro­gram, which offers struc­tu­red ses­sions to explore these and other ques­tions. The first ses­sion is only $39.
Ulti­ma­te­ly, by pre­pa­ring conscien­tious­ly and addres­sing these topics in your mar­riage pre­pa­ra­tion, you’ll lay a solid foun­da­tion for a ful­filling and mea­ning­ful mar­ried life. 

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➡️ Who we are
We are Lysiane and Romain new­ly­weds and co-foun­ders of Unio pre­ma­ri­tal counseling. 
A few years ago, we were exact­ly where you are now. We deci­ded to get mar­ried and set about pre­pa­ring for our big day with great excitement. 
It was great, but some­thing was clear­ly mis­sing. We wan­ted to give real mea­ning to our com­mit­ment and pre­pare our­selves properly. 
That’s how Unio was born : the 100% secu­lar & online pre­ma­ri­tal coun­se­ling pro­gram. Read more »
➡️ Pre­pa­ring for mar­riage with Unio :
To lay the foun­da­tions for a solid mar­riage without spen­ding hours on it, and without going to church. 
Our pre­ma­ri­tal coun­se­ling program :
  • ✅ 100% secular
  • ✅ 100% online
  • ✅ 100% fun
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