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50 essential questions to ask as a couple before getting married

The 50 essential questions to ask as a couple before getting married.
Have you just asked for the hand of the love of your life, or accepted his proposal ? Congratulations 🎉 ! It’s time to have a nice chat about the essential questions to ask yourself as a couple before getting married.
While feelings of love are probably the primary driving force behind your decision, it’s no less true that other ingredients are needed to build a happy, lasting, fulfilling and balanced marriage.
That’s why in-depth discussions on subjects such as commitment, sexuality, communication, shared projects, values… are essential before your wedding, whether it’s a civil or a religious marriage.

Yet most married-to-be couples make a big mistake ❌.
When their engagement is announced, they throw themselves headlong into organizing their big day : finding the best service providers, choosing the designer for the wedding dress or suit, visiting reception venues, sending out invitations, buying wedding rings and bouquets… It’s all very exciting, and so it should be.
The problem ? It arises when these couples focus solely on organizing their big day, but don’t spend any time discussing the essential questions they need to ask themselves before getting married.

💡 Taking time out for the two of you to talk about the issues that really matter during the engagement period is what’s commonly known as following a « premarital counseling program ». Are you unfamiliar with this concept ? We explain everything in our article10 essential points about premarital counseling.

You don’t want to make that mistake ? For you, the wedding commitment goes far beyond a big party or ceremony ? It’s a real commitment, which can only work if the right foundations are laid ?
To get you started, this article gives you 50 questions to ask each other before you say « I do », or simply when you’re thinking of getting married.

Love and marriage

What are the 3 values you hold most dear as a couple (fidelity, mutual support, complicity…)?
What are your expectations of your relationship ? Have they been satisfied ?
Is marriage just a logical step for you, or will there be a before and after ?
What is your definition of a successful wedding ?
Which fictional or real-life couple is a role model for you and your fiancé ?
What do you see as the greatest threats and dangers to a marriage over time ?
Why did you choose marriage rather than another form of union (common-law…)?
To help you answer this question, which may seem complicated at first, we suggest you read our article on good and bad reasons to get married

The family

Do you want children ?
If so, how much ?
Do you have any fears associated with starting a family ?
Do you share the same educational values ?
What place do you want your extended families to have in the family you’re building ?
What traditions and rituals from your respective families would you like to perpetuate in your future family ?

Your personalities and heritage

Which of your personalities are hard to match ? What have you put in place to live well with it ?
Which of your personalities complement each other ? In what situations has this complementarity been useful to you or could it be useful to you in the future ?
What patterns, functions or values inherited from your respective families would you like to preserve in your future life together ?
What patterns or values inherited from your respective families do you want to exclude from your future life together ?

Your shared history

Why did you choose each other at the start of your story ?
What was it about getting to know each other over time that convinced you that you were meant to build a lasting story together, beyond a romantic adventure ?
What were the milestones in your love story ?
What trials have you already been through ? What have you learned ?

Communication and conflict management

What are your respective love languages ?
Are your communication methods healthy ? How could you improve them ?
Do you feel each other is listening ?
What are your most recurring areas of conflict ?
What patterns emerge most often from your conflicts ?
Can you calmly return to your conflicts to repair the bond that has been damaged ?
Do you still have unresolved grudges against each other ?

Sexual intimacy

What is your definition of sexual fidelity ?
Do you feel free to talk about your sexuality (obstacles, fantasies, desires…)?
Do you share the same libido level ? If not, how do you manage this difference ?
Is the method of contraception you are currently using suitable for both of you ?
Beyond sexuality, what role does tenderness and physical touch play in your relationship ? Does that suit you both ?

Daily life

Is the balance of time spent together and apart right for you ?
Are you happy with the way the household is run and the division of chores between you ?
How do you plan to manage your finances (joint account, shared account, both?)? Or have you already adopted ?
If you have opted for a joint account, how do you plan to fund it ? À 50/50 ? In proportion to each person’s income ?
Do you share the same philosophy about money, or is this subject a source of conflict in your relationship ? This question will be very useful in determining the type of marriage contract you wish to draw up.
Are you on the same wavelength in your professional careers ?

The fun

How do you feel about each other’s hobbies and passions ?
Do you leave enough room for laughter, games and adventure in your life together ?
As future spouses, what activities make you feel vibrant and alive together ?

The entourage

Do you enjoy each other’s company ?
Are you aligned with the time you want to devote to your friendships ?
Do you have the same vision of an « open fireplace » ? Do you have to ask permission before inviting someone to your home ?

Life with a capital « V »

Would you like to include a spiritual practice in your life as a couple ? If so, which one ?
Does religion play a role in your lives, and in your life together ? If so, which one ?
What’s your biggest joint project in 1 year ? 5 years ? 10 years ?
Do you feel supported by each other in your individual projects ?
What are your 3 biggest individual dreams ? What adjustments to married life do they require ?

Conclusion

These 50 questions to ask yourself before getting married are a great start to preparing your couple for the commitment of marriage.

But they’re just the beginning. If you’d like to go further, perhaps you’d like to find out if premartial counseling program is right for you. To find out more, visit our article on everything you need to know about premariage counseling in 10 questions. These programs are a great opportunity to prepare for your marriage with guidance, leaving no substantive issues untouched. A successful wedding isn’t just about a beautiful ceremony ! In the midst of your wedding planning, these preparations allow you to refocus on what’s most important : your relationship.

💡 Interested in the process, but still not sure it’s right for you ? The first session of the Unio secular wedding preparation course is only $39.

We hope that these 50 questions to ask yourself before getting married have given you the opportunity to share your love life !