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Life as a couple : our 9 practical tips for success

[complete guidebook]

Making a success of your married life : a vast subject… While we emerge from school with a good command (more or less) of the Pythagorean theorem and spelling, nowhere are we taught how to take care of our relationship as a couple.

And yet ! Learning how to be happy as a couple would probably contribute far more effectively to our happiness than being top of the class in chemistry. Indeed, according to numerous studies, there’s a close relationship between individual happiness levels and having a fulfilling relationship*. It seems logical : we are relational beings, and the conjugal relationship is the central relationship in our lives. Our partner is the person with whom we spend most of our time, with whom we build a life together…

And when it comes to relationships, we believe there are two little-known facts :

👉 To love is an action verb
👉 Loving and relating can be learned through many different skills.

⚠️ Spoiler alert : since the foundation of all these skills is communication, we’ve dedicated an entire article to you on communication in couples.

In this comprehensive guide, you’ll find all our advice on how to make your relationship a success, with concrete examples and actionable tips to get you on the road to the relationship of your dreams.

We’ll help you answer the following questions : What are the most important things in a relationship ? How can we develop them ? What makes a couple strong ?
In a nutshell : how to make a success of your relationship ?

1 – Tip number 1 : Build a solid foundation for a successful relationship

How to build a house ? Building on a solid foundation (long before you choose wallpaper or windows). It’s the same for a couple : you can’t hope to live happily together through the years without laying solid foundations for your union.

Every couple is different, and therefore has its own recipe, its own culture : that’s what makes a couple wonderful.
We believe that a couple’s culture is based on at least 3 pillars : your shared history, your shared values, and the rituals you create together.

A shared history as the foundation of your relationship

In love story, there’s the word « story », and it’s very important. A solid relationship is one that’s aware of, and grateful for, the ground we’ve already covered together.

How was your first date ? What was it like when you met your respective families ? Your first « I love you »?…
Who cares ? No, of course not… But the point we’re trying to make here is that, even more than the facts themselves, it’s how you tell them that counts !

According to a study by renowned American couples therapist Dr. Gottman, the success or failure of a marriage can be predicted with 94% accuracy based on the way the couple in question tells their story / tells themselves as a couple.

While happy, solid couples :

✅ Highlight the good times they’ve had together
✅ Highlight seminal moments such as how they met, got married… and even their first conflict (often romanticized a little…).
✅ Easily use « we ».
✅ Talk about the challenges they’ve experienced, being proud to have gone through them and aware that they’ve made them grow. Or with a sense of humor !
✅ Have lots of anecdotes they love to tell.

The most fragile :

❌ Trivialize the good times they’ve had together, as well as their founding moments like meeting, marriage.…
❌ Emphasize the difficult times they’ve been through, and talk about them with resentment, often contrasting « I » with « you ».

Your story isn’t just a collection of facts : what counts is the meaning you give them in your narrative !

For example, by choosing :

Which events to highlight

The vocabulary used to describe them

So think about that the next time you’re asked to tell an anecdote about your relationship 😉.
Pay attention to how you answer, and readjust if necessary !

Common values and a vision shared by the couple

Another key ingredient for every couple is the set of values they share. You don’t have to share 100% of your values with your lover, but having a common base is a good start.
But what does this really mean, and is it crucial to have the same values for a happy relationship ?

In short, values are the filter through which we shape our lives. They represent our fundamental principles, our deepest beliefs.
They can be inherited or chosen. The former come from our family and societal environment, the latter are consciously selected.

Values are the driving force behind our actions, influencing our choices and relationships.

It’s worth looking inward to define these values, on three levels : individual values, general shared values and values specific to married life.

1) Individual values

Before defining your values as a couple, it’s essential to be clear about your individual values.
What drives you as a person, guides your actions…?

We’ll help you define them in the article we’ve dedicated to values in relationships .

2) Shared values

These are general values that you both hold dear. To define these common life values, re-examine the individual values defined earlier, and identify :

those you share
those that differ.

On the face of it, we often go for people who are similar to us : so it’s a safe bet that you share many of the same values with your life partner. These shared values will serve as a compass when you have decisions to make together.
For example, if work is a strong value you share, this will guide your choice to prioritize your respective professional lives, probably to the detriment of other aspects of your lives.

On the other hand, it’s normal for some to differ : you’re two distinct human beings, and that’s what makes your relationship so rich.
On this point, it’s important to really work on acceptance, rather than trying to change the other person.

3) Values specific to married life

Finally, there are values that are specific to the couple’s relationship itself : these are the values that, in your opinion, make a relationship a solid one.
These values generally include trust, security, complicity and loyalty…

To define them, ask yourself : what do you think are the essential ingredients of a good love relationship ?

Having them defined is a real asset to your relationship. You can check in regularly to :

👉 Look with gratitude at the way you cultivate some of them
👉 Lucidly notice those who are dear to you but who don’t currently have the place they deserve in your relationship. And set up actions to bring them back to life. For example, if togetherness is an important value for you as a couple but seems to have taken a back seat, why not organize a fun, new activity together to stimulate this value ?

These values, and the vision that stems from them, will be a compass for your life together !

Shared rituals

Couples » rituals are those little habits that, far from being mechanically repeated, have real meaning for lovers.
Just like your shared values or your history, they are part of your identity, your little recipe for love, and help to « sacralize » your relationship.

According to Jean-Claude Kaufmann, « ritual is basically a routine, but one that is experienced as carrying meaning. Everything can be lived as a ritual, it’s a moment of construction, of more intense life. »

They will help you stay connected to your partner, and are a reassuring anchor in the most difficult of times.

These rituals can be more or less important, and take different forms : mini-rituals for when you leave each other in the morning or meet up again in the evening, ways of celebrating life’s small or big events, comforting rituals when one of you is ill…
Here are a few examples : systematically having coffee together before leaving for work, ordering a good meal on Sunday evenings, going away for the weekend for wedding anniversaries, taking a phone-free walk on Saturday mornings wherever you are…

Cherish these rituals – they’re sacred ! And, of course, there’s nothing to stop you creating new ones…

Putting it into practice : a little exercise to build a solid foundation for your relationship

Reading a blog post is great. It’s better to take action as a couple !

💡 To do this, we suggest a little game for lovers :

Each of you can think of a couple (friends, fictional…) that particularly inspires you.
Tell the other person who this couple is, and reflect on what inspires you about them : what do they cultivate in their relationship, in terms of values, ways of working…? What is it about their story that moves you ?
Deduce together what’s important to you in a relationship, and think about how you can implement in your relationship what you like about these inspiring couples.

2 – Tip number 2 : Develop rich, fluid communication in your couple relationship

We hear it everywhere : communication is the key to a couple that works.

We agree with this (even if it’s not the only key), but in our opinion this advice can be difficult to put into action : in concrete terms, what does it mean to communicate well ? What and how to communicate ? Here are a few hints.

Communicate, yes, but about what ?

It can feel like you’re communicating a lot with your partner, and yet you don’t say anything to each other that « counts ».
It’s like staying on the surface, and talking only about banalities, or logistical matters : who’s going to get the bread, the weather outside…

It’s very frustrating : the discussion is then poor. This is the concept of intimacy levels. Theories vary from therapist to therapist, but here we will focus on the one that identifies 5 levels of intimacy in communication :

➡️ Superficial discussions
« The weather is fine today »
« The elevator is broken »
➡️ Factual conversations
« Here’s what I did today ».
« We need to go shopping ».
➡️ Intellectual conversations
« I didn’t enjoy my trip to England »
I don’t agree with the government’s latest reform ».
➡️ Emotional conversations
« I’m sad to see you only once this week »
« I’m anxious about tomorrow’s exam ».
➡️ Conversations about the relationship
« I think we have to make an effort to stop talking aggressively to each other ».
« I’d like us to go for a consultation and try to get past this betrayal. »

What you can then ask yourself is : « are we comfortable on all these levels of conversation ? Which are too poor ? How can we enrich them ?»

The last level (the relationship level) is the one that often goes by the wayside on a day-to-day basis. It is however very rich, and can relate in particular to :

👉 the current state of your relationship : what’s going well ? less well ?
👉 your expectations and needs in the relationship : what are they ? are they satisfied ?
👉 boundaries in your relationship : is it clear what is and isn’t acceptable in your relationship ?

Finally, when it comes to communication within the couple, one word is central : curiosity about the other.
Growing your relationship doesn’t just mean talking about the big issues, it also means getting to know the other person better every day : what anecdotes from your childhood made the biggest impression on you ? What is currently stressing him or her the most ? What’s his favourite fruit?…
This is what Dr. Gottman, a specialist in couples for decades in the United States, calls the « love map », i.e. the cartography of the other ; how well we know our « territory ».

Communicating as a couple : yes, but how ?

When we think of communication, we usually think first of expressing ourselves, of transmitting a message.
But we often forget the second part, which is just as important : communicating is also about listening. These two elements are inseparable.

1) Communicate by listening

One of the keys to feeling happy and fulfilled as a couple is to feel listened to by the other. And listening is not an innate skill in everyone !

Tools like active listening are invaluable : they help us realize that most of the time, we’re not really listening. For example, when we look at our phone at the same time, or when we’re thinking about what we’re going to say in response, rather than concentrating on what the other person wants to tell us.

Here are a few keys to good listening :

👉 Do not interrupt.
👉 Adapt to his personality, take an interest in what he lives, feels… as much as in what he says.
👉 Encourage him to expand on what he says, by asking questions.
👉 Show availability : by being 100% in the moment, but also by rephrasing his words to make sure you’ve understood them.
👉 Be patient, avoiding any display of frustration or impatience.

2) Express yourself clearly

If it’s important to know how to listen, it’s also important to know how to express ourselves, so that we can pass on to others what we’re experiencing.

Sometimes it’s quite easy to talk about « surface » subjects, but more difficult to tackle the more complicated ones, such as :

👉 Our weaknesses and wounds
👉 Subjects on which we disagree with the other, notably for fear of conflict
👉 Set healthy limits.

Non-violent communication is a highly effective way of starting a conversation on these issues.

Overall, non-violent communication encourages transformation (in the case of your spouse forgetting your birthday):

a reproach : « you’re just selfish, you only think of yourself ».
with a request : « when I see that you don’t wish me happy birthday (observation), I feel sad and disappointed (emotion), because I need consideration, respect and celebration (need). Could you set a reminder in your phone so that this doesn’t happen again ? Would you be up for going to a restaurant tomorrow to celebrate ? (clear question)»

Putting it into practice : a little exercise for better communication

Reading a blog post is great. It’s better to take action as a couple !

💡 We’d like to take stock of your current communication methods.
In your communication, you may have noticed chronic problems.

What are the obstacles to better communication between you ? Like lack of time, tools, stress, fatigue…
Which patterns (aggressiveness, systematic withdrawal from one or the other…) don’t suit you ? What can be done to change them ?

3 – Tip number 3 : Give sexuality the place it deserves in your relationship.

We hear everywhere that sexuality is a pillar of married life : we have mixed feelings on the subject.
Indeed, saying this can put a lot of pressure on couples, like an injunction to sexuality. But it’s more complicated than that : libido can fluctuate, some couples don’t feel the need to connect in this way… and that’s OK.

So let’s rephrase : in our view, physical intimacy is one of the pillars of married life. And it’s not just about sex : there’s also tenderness, a hand held out in the street…

If, however, for you as for many couples, having a fulfilling sex life is important, here are a few tips for maintaining and developing the chemistry in your relationship.

Communicating about sexuality

One of the pillars of a fulfilled sexuality is fluid communication on the subject, even if this doesn’t always seem obvious at first.
These discussions will create a stronger intimacy between you, and this will be beneficial far beyond the bed.

Not sure how to tackle the subject ?
Here are two ways to think about having a nice discussion about your sexual intimacy :

1) Communication and sexuality : what to talk about

what’s there to talk about ?

Your desires : the way each of you expresses your desire (each person’s « language of desire » differs), your fantasies, your triggers (« when does that turn me on»…), what you find attractive in your partner, past intimate moments when you took the most pleasure…
Your obstacles : this could be a complicated relationship with the body, a wound linked to a past experience, a negative message about sexuality received in your upbringing, embarrassment, pressure to perform…

Showing your vulnerability is a real gift to your relationship. Not only will your sex life improve, but you’ll also come much closer to such intimate discussions.

2) Communication and sexuality : when to talk about it

Talking about sexuality within the couple is essential, but not just any old way, and not just any old time.

two places and times to talk about sexuality

➡️ In bed communication in bed should be limited to to the comfort, desires and desires of the moment In this case, it’s inappropriate to talk about the big picture (e.g. « our sex life doesn’t suit me any more »), as the partners are in a vulnerable position.
➡️ Out of bed : for a more general discussion of what suits you, what doesn’t suit you… in your sex life. If you don’t do this proactively, there’s a risk that sexual issues will only appear in the form of a conflict, an expression of frustration.

Finally, you need to communicate regularly on the subject : everyone’s intimate life is bound to evolve throughout a couple’s lifetime. It’s not a question of considering that what works at a given moment will fulfill you for the rest of your life.

Normalize variations and deviations in desire

One of the main « problems » facing most couples is the difference in libido within the couple, or the wayit changes over time.

If society, via magazines, ads… puts a lot of pressure on couples to have frequent and fulfilling sex all the time, this is not the case for many couples.

its very nature, desire fluctuates

➡️ Personal : health, stress, contraception…
➡️ Relational : duration of the relationship (you don’t produce the same hormones after 2 months as after 5 years), state of the relationship (difficult to concentrate on your desire when the relationship is going through a difficult period), shared life events (pregnancy…)…

So there’s no pressure to put on yourself.
The question « Are we making love enough ? » needs to be replaced by « Is our sexuality right for us as it is today, in this period of our lives ? ».

Rekindle desire in your relationship

If you answered « no » to the previous question, then there are a number of avenues to explore.

entire article on the subject of desire

➡️ Communicate, of course, as we mentioned above.
➡️ Plan moments of intimacy : spontaneity is not necessarily the ideal. You’re free to put it aside and plan times dedicated to getting together sexually (otherwise, sexual encounters run the risk of ending up at the very bottom of your « to do » list).
➡️ Try out new practices, without necessarily going to extremes that don’t suit you. You can start by trying out new places, inviting a toy…
➡️ Determine your type of desire : not everyone has a type of desire called « spontaneous » (« I want to jump on you without warning »). For many people, desire is rather reactive and can be stimulated by massage, words…
➡️ Work more globally on your relationship : there’s no watertight boundary between the state of your overall married life and your sex life.
➡️ Giving each other space, spending time apart : this creates a sense of missing each other and rekindles interest in each other.
➡️ Learn to better understand and know your body and your desire on your own ; take care of yourself individually.

Putting it into practice : a little exercise to enrich your intimate life

Reading a blog post is great. It’s better to take action as a couple !

💡 For this tip dedicated to sexuality, we’d like to suggest the following little exercise : take a jar, and put little ideas related to your sexuality inside each one.
For example :
A fantasy you want to realize

A sexual experience you had together that you loved and would like to relive.

A part of your partner’s body that you want to focus on

…
Then set a date in your diary for the two of you to get together. The idea here is to put the emphasis on seduction : getting ready for each other as you did in the early days. Then there’s no pressure : the evening can go on without sex, or just drift along. In that case, it’s time to get out your jar and dig in.

4 – Tip number 4 : Arm yourself to get through difficult times together

This advice is probably the most valuable : to be happy as a couple, you have to stop striving for perfection, and understand that it’s normal to go through « good » phases, and more complicated ones.

Embracing the waves of the relationship

Contrary to what you see in the movies (where everything depends on how you meet, and then everything rolls along), life as a couple isn’t a smooth ride.

Firstly, because love itself cannot be linear : it fluctuates in nature and intensity.
There are many theories about the phases of love, and it’s up to you to decide whether or not you agree with them. One thing’s for sure, though : the intensity and nature of your feelings will not be perfectly linear throughout your life. You’ll need to be prepared to manage these variations together.
If at the beginning it’s the feeling of love that prevails, and requires no effort, over time this must be transformed into a constructed and chosen love, which must be intentionally nurtured.

As this feeling evolves, so will other obstacles in your life : illness, unemployment, stress, financial problems, bereavements… which will inevitably, at certain times, weaken your harmony.

It’s vital to be aware of this and to play it down.

A couple’s life is full of happiness, but there are also periods of doubt, disconnection and uncomfortable discussions to be had…

So how can you overcome them to make your relationship last ?
In our opinion, the ingredients for getting through periods of « less well » are as follows :

👉 Reminding you that you didn’t sign up just for the easy stuff, but also for not flopping at the first hurdle.
👉 Work every day to strengthen your connection (as a reminder, love is not a verb of state, but a verb of action).
👉 Accept that you, as well as your partner, will change. Flexibility is the key ! The couple is not a rigid structure, but rather a GPS that recalculates the itinerary as it goes along.

Learning to grow from conflict

Let’s start by deconstructing a myth that is deeply rooted in the collective unconscious : that a « good couple » is one that doesn’t fight.
All couples experience conflict, and that’s normal. The important thing is to learn how to manage them so as not to damage the bond, and even to grow from them.

1) Accepting disagreements

Disagreeing as a couple is therefore perfectly healthy, and even desirable, for a variety of reasons :

👉 Disagreeing as a couple means that each of us retains our individuality, our values… Without this otherness the couple would be quite bland !
👉 Like life in general, the couple is a 50/50, with « with » moments and « without » moments. These « without » moments allow you to munch even harder on the « with » moments !
👉 You’ve probably heard stories of couples breaking up overnight, even though they seemed to agree on everything… This illustrates thata relationship where everyone keeps everything to themselves, where there is no disagreement expressed, is not necessarily a healthy model.
👉 During a conflict, we often react much more strongly to subjects that touch on our frailties : if we put some awareness on this and manage to communicate about these frailties, the relationship conflicts are an opportunity to get to know yourself and others better.
👉 When you overcome a conflict, you feel a healthy dose of pleasant emotions, like pride, and your confidence in your relationship and its strength increases.

2) Learn to « argue well »

But not all forms of conflict are desirable : in an ideal world, you’ll always reach a compromise. Failing that, it’s a matter of learning to argue « properly ».

a few tips

➡️ Identify the type of conflict you are facing :
- if it’s solvable (e.g. your next vacation spot), learn to compromise to find a win-win solution
- if unsolvable (e.g. differing political opinions), agree to disagree
➡️ Take a step back (minimum 20 minutes) when you feel you are « getting on », then return to the discussion once you have calmed down.
➡️ Ban violence in all its forms
➡️Active listening
➡️ compartmentalize conflicts to avoid the snowball effect (talking about 10 subjects at the same time is certain to solve none of them)

3)Learning to repair

Sometimes, however, even with the best will in the world, you can have attitudes that are destructive to your relationship (disparaging words spoken in a fit of anger, broken promises…).

Our advice in such cases : don’t just sit back and wait for things to « blow over » : it’s important to be proactive in order to re-establish a real connection after an argument .

Learn to apologize and ask for forgiveness, which isn’t as easy as you might think.
Learning to forgive.

Putting it into practice : a little exercise in conflict management

Reading a blog post is great. It’s better to take action as a couple !

💡 Block a small slot in your diary to look back « cold » on one of your recent conflicts.

Follow the discussion outline below :

What was the subject of conflict ? Keep to the facts in this section. In your opinion, was the conflict solvable or insoluble ?
What is it about this subject that triggers a strong emotional reaction in each of us ? Is there a deeper issue behind this surface subject ?
What responsibility have you each taken for the escalation of this conflict ? Accept responsibility and apologize sincerely.
Think about a plan of action to ensure that the next conflict goes differently, more constructively.

5 – Tip number 5 : Preserve and develop your two individualities in your relationship

Being a couple means wanting to build something together. But that doesn’t mean we forget each other !
It’s all about finding the right balance between personal fulfillment and building a relationship.

The balanced couple equation : 1+1=3

There are 3 ways of looking at couples :

1+1=1 : this is the fusional vision of the couple, in which the partners are « one and the same ».
1+1=2 : the partners remain individuals, but there is no « common ground» ; they live next door to each other without really meeting.
1+1=3 : this is the formula recommended by couple therapists : we explain it below

there are 3 elements in your couple :

💁‍♀️ You : you are the starting point of your love story.
It’s important to preserve this « me », your identity, your uniqueness, by not merging with your partner.
💁‍♂️ Your partner, with its own identity.
The aim is to accept him or her as he or she is, without trying to change him or her to fit an « ideal ».
💑 Your relationship, which is an entity in its own right.
The aim : to care for this space, make it grow, nourish it… You can compare it to a garden to be cultivated : you must regularly remove the weeds (for example, unexpressed resentments, latent conflicts…), give it water (communication, time spent together, tenderness…) and choose what to grow (your objectives, shared values…).

What’s the point of this vision ?

The couple is no longer a space that locks you in, but an entity in its own right that needs to be nurtured, otherwise it will die.
Each can retain his or her individuality : the couple doesn’t « contain either of them », so there’s no fear or risk of getting lost in it.

Keeping two individualities

So how do you maintain both individualities within the couple ?

Here are a few tips :

👉 Getting to know you individually :
Be clear about your own personality traits, and learn how to reconcile them with those of your partner without minimizing them.
The aim is, for those elements of your personalities that seem incompatible at first sight (for example, between a spendthrift and a thrifty person), not to try to erase these differences, but to understand and accept them, and to find ways of making them live together serenely.
We accompany you in this reflection in session 1 of the Unio premarital counseling program..
👉 Ditto for your individual inheritances :
You have received from your respective upbringings and experiences elements (values, rituals…) that, if they are dear to you, you will have to continue to cultivate.
👉 Finding the right balance between time together and time apart.
While our society still generally values the model of the « fusional » couple, and this model works in the initial honeymoon phase, it is not viable over the long term, as it creates a risk of suffocation.
A certain need for distance, far from meaning that love diminishes, feeds love (each returns to the other after a moment apart with things to talk about, impressions to share…).
It’s up to you to find your own balance between what therapists Carolle and Serge Vidal-Graf call « inspiration-fusion » and « expiration-separation » (in their book Couple rêve couple réel : de l’état amoureux à l’amour . Just as you need two breathing cycles to live, a couple needs a succession of moments of fusion and separation.
👉 Be aware that, although the other person can help meet your needs, you remain responsible for them. Your partner alone cannot be the sole source of your happiness.
For example, why bother sharing your passion for reading with your insensitive partner ? Instead, find other people in your circle with whom you can share it.
Your relationship will be all the richer for it, with two passionate individuals with things to talk about when they meet again.

Accepting interdependence

Keeping your independence doesn’t mean living in parallel, without any real encounter : building a lasting relationship means accepting that interdependence is created within the couple.

This means learning to accepting influence of your partner : accept to change your point of view on certain subjects, to adapt certain ways of functioning in daily life, to make compromises… as long as this doesn’t alter what you are deep down inside (your values, for example).

For this to work, it’s important to establish and communicate healthy limits : what each member of the couple is willing or not willing to accept.

The couple as a springboard for personal fulfillment

The couple is also a springboard for individual projects.
One of the most beautiful functions of a couple, far from limiting you, is to enable you to reconnect with who you were before you forgot your dreams.
The other sees in you the treasure, the abilities, the talents… that perhaps you no longer see !

Personal development is the key to a fulfilling relationship.
« Amazing things can happen in a relationship when each member of the couple is able to change and grow, and at the same time accommodate (and be supportive of) the other’s personal development. » (John and Julie Gottman, Huit rendez-vous amoureux).

Finding the right person doesn’t mean limiting yourself for that person. relying on them to help you achieve your full potential in your individual projects .
For example, perhaps your wife could take over the financial side of things for a year while you go back to school to take that course you’ve been dreaming of for several years.
Don’t be afraid to talk about your wildest dreams, and define an action plan together, as teammates !

Putting it into practice : a little exercise for growing as an individual couple

Reading a blog post is great. It’s better to take action as a couple !

💡 Take a piece of paper and list, among your daily habits (meals, outings…) and hobbies :

The things you do together
The things you do separately

First, compare the 2 lists visually : which is longer ?

Then take the time for a two-way discussion :

Does this breakdown suit you ?
If the first part (things done together) seems poor : what activities could you share as a couple to increase your complicity ?
If the second part (things done separately) seems poor : are there parts of your life (passions, hobbies…) that you’ve left out ? With what resources outside the couple (people, associations, time alone…) could you nourish these areas of your life ?

6 – Tip number 6 : Build a healthy, balanced daily routine together

Living together means sharing daily life.
And cohabitation isn’t always easy : in a couple, everyone has grown up with different ways of functioning.

For a fulfilling life as a couple, it is therefore necessary to agree on several key subjects of daily life, such as :

Time management
The money management
Household chores

Managing time and routine

You divide your time between your different areas of life : your professional life, your hobbies, your relationship, your family…

It’s important to take stock of your time allocation : is there a gap between your aspirations and your current rhythm ? If so, did the two of you discuss it ? What could you do to distribute it more evenly ?

In particular, you may wish to consider the following questions :

➡️ Life as a couple, and later as a family : the balance between time alone and time together.
➡️ Professional life : what role does it play in your life ? It’s important for you to discuss what this position implies for each of you, to agree on the sacrifices you’re ready to accept, what your limits are…
➡️ Leisure and free time, separately and together. Do they have their rightful place ?
➡️ The « satellites «: what role do your family of origin, your in-laws, your friends and your partner’s friends play in your life ? Does this suit you ?

Money management

Money is no less important a resource, and can quickly become a source of conflict if poorly managed.
The question of how the couple’s finances work needs to be clearly addressed together.

And this on several levels :

➡️ Accounts : do you have separate accounts ? A single account for all your resources ?
➡️ Thedifference in economic power : for example, if there’s a big difference in salary, do you think it’s normal for one person to contribute more to household expenses than the other ? Without discussion, unhealthy power struggles can ensue.
➡️ Assets : What would you like to pool ? Are you planning a joint purchase ? If so, will you be 50% owners despite different contributions ?
➡️ Roles : who manages accounts, subscriptions, etc.?
➡️ Joint expenses : do you want to set certain rules, such as a purchase amount above which you must ask the other’s agreement ?
➡️ Philosophy : what is your vision of money ?

Household chores

Last but not least, everyday life means household chores.

The most widespread vision of today’s couple is that of an egalitarian couple, where decisions are taken by mutual agreement after negotiation and compromise. However, it’s unrealistic (and inefficient) to try to ensure that everything is split 50/50 in each area.

These are seek overall balancebut in most fields there will be a leader and a follower : for each responsibility (children’s medical appointments, errands…), one of the two will take the leadThis doesn’t mean ignoring your partner’s advice, support and opinion.

There are many tasks to divide up : housework, shopping, administration, bills, managing leisure activities, social life, education…
And without conscience, they are distributed automatically, according to the dictates of society, family traditions… which don’t necessarily correspond to the couple at the moment. The solution : go back to the drawing board and divide the work up according to individual tastes and skills.

A little tip to conclude on household chores : remember to always express gratitude for what each of you does in the relationship.

Putting it into practice : a little exercise for a fluid daily life

Reading a blog post is great. It’s better to take action as a couple !

💡 If managing daily tasks is a bone of contention with you, it’s time to roll up your sleeves and do the following exercise.

Take a blank sheet of paper and draw up a table with 4 columns : task (name of the task), initial situation (who is managing it at the moment), ideal situation (in the ideal situation, who do you think would manage it ? You, your partner, an outside service…?), action plan (what you agree on).

➡️ Fill in your chart individually, then compare (or do it together live): note any imbalances, negotiate and find a compromise that suits you both. Be very precise and exhaustive on the list of tasks, even if it takes a long time, to really find an overall balance.

And don’t forget to repeat this exercise as soon as the balance is no longer satisfactory for either of you.

7 – Tip number 7 : Be clear about the family you want to create

In our opinion, it’s essential to broach the subject of family right from the start of the relationship. This avoids disillusionment once the relationship is well established.

A long-term commitment for two means starting a family. Each couple is free to build it in the way they wish : just the two of them, with children, or surrounded by animals, friends…

Whatever you decide (whether or not to have children), it’s important to discuss it in advance, to make sure your family life plans are compatible, otherwise you run the risk of exposing yourself to major frustrations on both sides later on.

If you’re thinking about becoming a parent, or have already made that choice, we think it’s important to discuss two major themes « family model » you want to create (number of children, how you want your life to be set up for their arrival…) and a slightly more complex « spiritual » (the values you want to pass on to them).

The family model

It’s essential to discuss the family model you want to create.

Here are 4 avenues to explore :

👉 Imagine the « shape » your ideal family could take : ideal number of children, timing of the first, age gap…
👉 Thinking about design and adoption issues.
👉 Agree on the lifestyle you imagine with the arrival of children : impact on your professional lives, where you live, the couple’s place in it all…
👉 Address your possible (and probable) fears.

Transmission

The values you want to pass on to your future children.
Education, that is, the way you want to pass them on.

Putting it into practice : a little exercise for a fluid daily life

Reading a blog post is great. It’s better to take action as a couple !

💡 Each select from the list of educational values below the 3 that seem most important to you, then exchange in pairs why they are :

politeness, sharing, honesty, autonomy, self-confidence, mutual aid, self-knowledge, empathy, curiosity, critical sense, expression, adaptation, prudence, realism, fulfillment, pleasure, respect, physical safety, emotional safety, mutual aid, equity, success, freedom, respect for nature, non-violence, spontaneity, respect for rules, openness, courage, prudence, efficiency, conviction, surpassing oneself, honesty, benevolence, simplicity, surpassing oneself, generosity, positivity, creativity.

8 – Tip number 8 : Enrich your life as a couple with meaningful projects

There’s a lot of talk about « working on your relationship ».
This involves some not-so-fun things (having uncomfortable discussions, dealing with conflicts…) but also some hyper-positive and sometimes light-hearted things : building joint projects and putting fun at the heart of your life as a couple !

Joint projects

The project is one of the foundations of the couple : it’s what carries you forward, enabling you to project yourselves into the future together.

That’s why it’s so important to talk about your shared dreams as a couple : starting a family, creating a business together, traveling, building a house…

Our advice ?

Put them in black and white, so you can come back to them regularly : if they seem clear to you today, it’s very easy to lose sight of them in the whirlwind of everyday life…
Draw up an action plan ! This means prioritizing them, defining deadlines, taking into account constraints and barriers, then finding solutions to overcome them…

🌈 Dreaming together is a beautiful fuel for the couple : it createsexcitement, passion… and puts us into action !

Put some fun in your relationship

In the shorter term, to live a fulfilling married life, you need to be able to take a step back from your day-to-day life. Beyond everyday « tasks » and automatisms, what do you share together ?

For many couples, play and fun together is the thing that disappears most quickly, and they find themselves dead last on the « to do » list.
The happiest couples are those who play, laugh, have fun, go on adventures together… Spending pleasant moments together, discovering new activities, reinforces the feeling of connection.
Through these activities (hiking, board games…), you share pleasure and a common goal.

This doesn’t have to take the form of completely extraordinary activities : couples can laugh while doing the dishes together !

If you have very different ways of « playing » and having fun, explore how you’re different, but also how you’re similar.
If one of you likes thrills, climbing… and the other is more contemplative, why not embark on a hiking passion together ?

It’s all about going on an adventure together, discovering something new, whether it’s taking a cooking class, going away for a weekend in the next département…

Putting it into practice : a little exercise to put the fun and lightness back into your relationship

Reading a blog post is great. It’s better to take action as a couple !

💡 Do you want to experience unique moments for 2, that get out of the routine ? Don’t let this idea pass you by, and start planning your next date now.

We’ve made it easy for you : discover our guide to 60 ideas for activities to do as a couple .

9 – Bonus tip : incorporate our magic ingredient for a fulfilling married life

Finally, we’re going to give you our secret ingredient for a happy married life… This miracle element is willpower.

In our opinion, this is the most important ingredient for getting through years of life together, because it’s the one that will allow all the others to exist.

Willpower is important at every stage of the relationship :

👉 When you decided to commit to each other and make your union official : it was the desire to build together that carried you along.
👉 When things are going well, it’s the willingness to take your relationship to even greater heights that will enrich your relationship.
👉 When the going gets tough, this is where it plays its greatest role : it’s your determination not to give up at the first sign of trouble, to roll up your sleeves… that will get you through the storms.

In concrete terms, what are we talking about ? For example, the will to :

👉 Doing little acts of love every day, speaking each other’s language
👉 Don’t give up at the first hurdle
👉 Seek outside help (therapists, sexologists…) if you feel the need.
👉 Learning to communicate as an adult
👉 Forgive
👉 Having sometimes uncomfortable discussions
👉 Compromise
👉 Proactively create moments of fun and adventure for two
👉 Being there for each other through thick and thin
👉 Carrying out joint projects
👉 Making your relationship a priority
👉 Working on yourself individually
👉 Taking responsibility

Conclusion

Life as a couple is a demanding adventure, with its share of challenges, but it’s also one of the most beautiful human adventures : if it’s well managed, it’s a wonderful key to fulfillment, a source of many and varied joys.

With these 9 detailed and comprehensive tips, you’ll have a good basis on which to work on the most important aspects of your married life.
We hope that the short exercises at the end of each section will help you put this into practice.

Of course, you can’t work on all these aspects of your relationship at once : prioritize those that seem most relevant to your relationship at the moment. Forget perfection, prefer small actions and day-to-day improvements : that’s what relationship growth is all about.

If you want to go further and invest in your relationship for the long term, the Unio premarital counseling program will enable you to explore all these subjects in greater depth, in a friendly setting, with your partner, at home, with guidance…

*https://www.erudit.org/fr/revues/rqpsy/2017-v38-n2-rqpsy03163/1040774ar.pdf