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Active listening

Or how to learn to really listen to others !

When we think of communication, we often think first of conveying a message. But we often forget the second part, which is at least as important, if not more so : receiving the message, i.e. listening.

💡 Active listening is one of the tools we talk about in our full article dedicated to communication in couples. Here you’ll find
tips and tools to increase the level of communication in your relationship
.

What is active listening ?

Active listening is a concept developed by Carl Rogers. It’s also known assympathetic listening. But before defining it, let’s start by looking at what it isn’t…

Do you ever listen with one ear while glancing at your Instagram notifications ?
Do you ever listen to someone while waiting for your meal to arrive at the restaurant ?
Do you ever listen to someone and simultaneously prepare your counter-argument or response in your head ?

As you can see, these are counter-examples to active listening. Active listening focuses not on the listener, with his or her judgments and concerns, but on the person expressing him or herself, both verbally and non-verbally. It is based on a climate of trust and benevolence.

What are the main principles of active listening ?

Not interrupting the speaker. The idea is to let her get to the end of her idea without cutting her off. This also means giving them the opportunity to leave silences without rushing to express themselves.
Being totally available to the person expressing him/herself This requires both physical availability (you’re not doing something else at the same time, such as looking out of the window) and mental availability (you’re not projecting your own judgments and experiences onto what the other person is telling you). Being available also means refraining from expressions of impatience or boredom (staring, sighing…).
Empathy : this means really putting ourselves in the other person’s shoes, and not copying our own experience, our own interpretation… on what they’re telling us. Empathy also involves analyzing the speaker’s mode of communication (tone of voice, speaking rhythm, etc.) and adapting to it to create a climate of trust between the speaker and the listener.
Invite the speaker to elaborate. This can mean asking relevant questions (once they’ve finished speaking) to understand them even better, or rephrasing what they’ve said to make sure they’ve been understood.

OK, but in concrete terms, how do I apply it in my relationship ?

That’s all very well, but how do you put it into practice when you haven’t learned to really listen ?

To anchor this mode of communication in your relationship, we suggest that you approach the matter in a fairly academic way : once a week (or once a month ; the rhythm is to be defined between you), you set yourself half an hour of active listening.

For the first ten minutes, one of you speaks without interruption. Even if there are silences, you don’t interrupt the moment until the ten minutes are up. You’ll find that silences attract much less superficial thought than what«comes out » first. During the next five minutes, the person can go into greater depth, rephrasing what has been said or asking questions, but without offering any judgments or solutions.
For the next fifteen minutes, you reverse the roles.
At the end of the thirty minutes, you can continue with a more«classic » discussion (which will be much richer because everyone will have really listened to and understood the other), and return to your activities.

The theme of these sessions can be broad (e.g. « the elements of satisfaction and/or frustration in our life as a couple ») or more specific (e.g.«is the time we spend together vs. with our families, friends… right for me ?»).

Doing so within a set framework will help you acquire these skills, which you’ll gradually be able to use more naturally in your day-to-day communication.
You’ll see, it’s a great exercise, and it has the added benefit of addressing certain issues before they become conflicts.