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Handling disputes after they have cooled down

In a couple, disagreements are perfectly normal and healthy : the two members of a couple are two individuals with their own beliefs, personalities, histories…

In fact, there are two types of dispute : soluble and insoluble. In the case of resolvable differences, you need to work on your ability to compromise and find a solution that suits both members of the couple.

💡 We also recommend our article : https://www.unio-preparation.com//en/couple-life/#tip‑4. Here you’ll find all our tips for a more successful married life, including advice on how to get through difficult times together.

On the other hand, in the case of an insoluble dispute, there are two solutions : accept that the situation remains as it is (« we don’t agree on everything, that’s normal »), or decide that the relationship cannot survive this disagreement (« you want a child and I’m sure I don’t. Maybe it’s wiser to separate now.»).

In a Care Bear world, whatever the type of dispute, it’s all settled in « good understanding », without raising the stakes. In real life, it’s often not that simple : strong emotions, hurtful memories, fatigue… all come into play. Tempers flare, sometimes awkward words are exchanged and the dialogue breaks down.

Don’t panic, it’s perfectly normal. There are a number of techniques that can be used to prevent the tone from becoming too heated and to ensure that the argument is conducted in a respectful manner. This is what you deal with inUnio session 5. One of these is the 90/10 rulerule, which we’ll leave you to discover.

Arguments are normal and part of every couple’s life. On the other hand, we think it’s dangerous to pretend that nothing has happened in the wake of these disputes. Here’s why. This can lead to resentment or spite, one of the most common
10 relationship enemies to avoid
.

Why go back to disputes in the cold ?

Arguments can lead to resentment and disappointment. Discussion and connection are broken, and it can feel like we’re against each other, rather than together against the problem.

If, following a conflict, everyone goes their separate ways, then comes back a few minutes/hours/days later as if nothing had happened, then what has been hurt cannot be repaired. And instead of fading away over time, the wound remains beneath the surface, accumulating… and weakening the relationship.

A post-fight discussion does several things :

On the one hand, to get to the heart of the matter (whereas in the heart of the dispute we often remain on an emotional level), to understand what really happened. Are you familiar with the 90/10 rule ? Only 10% of conflicts can be explained by the subject of the disagreement at a given moment ; 90% stem from long-standing situations, often predating the relationship.
For example, if my husband cuts me off and I leave in a huff, it’s not just because of his attitude at the time, but because it activates a wound in me (for example, having been brought up in a home where children were never given the floor).
And as a bonus, it’s also an opportunity to apologize.

How do you come back from the brink ?

OK, but how do we go about it ? We’re already waiting for the two of us to really « come down ».

Julie and John Gottman, renowned couple therapists, propose five steps to achieve this :

Take turns talking about how you felt during the argument (sadness, anger, worry, shame…). To do this, it’s important not to interrupt the other person, and above all not to invalidate their feelings (« you shouldn’t have been angry about that »).
Take turns describing your point of view on what really happened during the argument. Validate the other person’s version of events, but remember that validating their words doesn’t mean you necessarily agree with them.
By saying, for example : « From your point of view, I understand why you feel this way and need that. I understood ».
Identify your « triggers » : these are your long-standing vulnerabilities (often predating the relationship) that may explain the escalation of conflict in certain circumstances, and tell the part of your story associated with them. You’ll emerge from this stage with a better understanding of each other.
Accept your share of responsibility and admit the role you played in this conflict.
Discuss how you could better react together to the next argument. Establish a plan of action to avoid escalation at the next disagreement.

Highlight certain operating patterns

But this post-dispute discussion is also an opportunity to reflect on your « position » and that of your partner in the conflict. Basically, therapists distinguish between two types of people :

The aggressive defender, who is often sensitive, touchy, and will quickly turn to anger and argument.
The passive-aggressive, seemingly very conciliatory, who shuns conflict. The other side of the coin is that, very often, this apparent kindness (« we’ll do it your way, no worries ») will be paid for with other tools (clumsiness, forgetfulness, lateness…), « unintentionally » to make the other person angry and then reproach him or her for this anger.

If you’re two « aggressive defenders », you’re probably an explosive couple, which isn’t necessarily a problem ; you’ll just have to learn to temper each other.

If you’re both, each of you will have to make an effort (tempering on one side, learning to face and express yourself on the other).

The trickiest thing is for a couple of two « conciliators » : the risk is to navigate in a field of bombs as each flees the conflict. You’ll need to learn how to communicate your frustrations, genes…

In this respect, it is important that the « rolesIt’s not a matter of « it’s always the same guy ».transfer«On the other hand, the partner in question can build up resentment, and the situation can evolve into a real conflict (open or latent).

In conclusion, we’d like to reiterate that this stage is not to be neglected at all ! It will avoid the snowball effect of resentments, and allow you to get to know each other a little better each time. Don’t hesitate to ask us questions if you’re having trouble putting this technique into practice – we’re here to help !

And if you want to discover the Unio preparation, it’s
here
!