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How to put Toltec Agreements into pratice ?

You’ve probably heard of the personal development bestseller « The Toltec Agreements ». If you haven’t read it yet, we’ve done it for you 😊. This concise book was written by Miguel Ruiz.

He makes the following observation : since childhood, we have been entangled in limiting beliefs that have been proposed to us by society. As children, we were unable to sort things out, and internalized the injunctions we received. Over time, we came to believe that they emanated from us, and that they were THE truth.

What Miguel Ruiz proposes in this book is to become aware of them, break with those that are not useful to us, and decide to form new « agreements ».

The « agreements » proposed in the book take the form of 4 major life principles :

impeccable speech,
never takeitpersonally,
don’t make assumptions,
and always do your best.

These agreements can be applied to all areas of life, but here we’ve decided to think about how they can be applied to married life.

💡 Also discover our article :
Vie de couple : nos 9 conseils pratiques pour la réussir (in French only)

Toltec agreement number 1 : Let your word be impeccable

In Miguel Ruiz’s book, this agreement means not having any negative words about ourselves or others. This includes « external » speech, but also internal speech, i.e. thoughts and inner dialogue.

Unfortunately, we have always been conditioned to slander, criticize, judge…and negative words can have a « negative » impact.poisonous«A child who is told that he or she is a poor reader will take this to be true, and will not give himself or herself any chance of becoming a good reader, regardless of his or her real abilities. An impeccable speech contributes to a less violent world.

transpose this agreement

in our exchanges with others, it’s important to avoid insults and criticism…
when we talk about our spouse too : if you tend to point out what he/she does wrong, you’re helping to tarnish his/her image. It’s time to change that !

Of course, nobody’s perfect : in an argument, anger can get the better of you, and harsh words can be exchanged. In this case, it is very important to
to come back to the dispute
to apologize.

A concrete example of how to apply this agreement : you can use non-violent communication . Thus, « you haven’t cleared the table, you only think of yourself » becomes « when you don’t clear the table, I don’t feel respected, because I need to know that I’m not the only one taking care of our house. Could you please be more careful in the future ?»

And voila, magic : your speech is impeccable, and the message is received much more effectively.

Negative self-talk in a relationship is one of the
10 relationship enemies to avoid
.

Toltec agreement number 2 : Don’t take it personally

In Miguel Ruiz’s book, this agreement consists in making others responsible for their actions.

« What you think, what you feel, is your problem, not mine. It’s the way you see the world. It doesn’t affect me personally, because you’re only dealing with yourselves, not with me. Others will have a different opinion, depending on their belief system.». It’s the same in a couple : our emotional and affective lives are interdependent, but each member of the couple must be responsible for his or her own behavior, emotions…

Brace yourself, telling you that he doesn’t love you enough, that you’ve done something wrong…
Or take a step back, and extract yourself from the situation. His attitude is his business, and has nothing to do with you. He’ll be back once he’s dealt with his emotions.

A concrete example of how to apply this agreement : change perspective. For example, when you feel your partner is spending too much time with his or her friends. Rather than saying to yourself, « He’s running away from home and my company », take the time to discuss it with him or her. Chances are his behavior has nothing to do with you, but with his own need for openness and independence…

Toltec agreement number 3 : Don’t make assumptions

In Miguel Ruiz’s book, this agreement means not making « guesses« about what other people think, what makes them act… In our opinion, this is the most important agreement for the couple. Indeed, many people in couples :

Think they know everything, wrongly, about their partner’s way of thinking and functioning
Think their spouse thinks the same way they do
Keep the fantasy of the couple where each guesses, without communication, what the other needs, wants…

These three behaviors are harmful. With all the intimacy in the world, the other person remains an independent person, with his or her own history, psychology… So there’s only one solution : rather than making assumptions, communicate !

A concrete example of how to apply this agreement : If your love language is that of gifts, don’t assume that your partner will guess it and give you a huge surprise for your birthday. Be proactive and clearly express your need/want : « I’d like you to organize a special moment for the two of us, for my birthday ». He or she will probably be happy to do it, but wouldn’t necessarily have thought of it on their own if this love language wasn’t theirs !

Toltec agreement number 4 : Always do your best

One last word for the road : in Miguel Ruiz’s book, this agreement means always doing your best ; not waiting for the perfect situation before taking action.

There are a lot of injunctions around the couple : have a top libido, great complicity, few arguments… and this can be discouraging, or stressful. Here, doing your best won’t mean aiming for unattainable standards, but ensuring that the couple is a place of peace and growth for both of them, by implementing lots of little actions on a daily basis.
A couple has its ups and downs. In the « lowlands », this agreement is important, because to have committed oneself to a lasting relationship is to commit oneself to doingone’s« best » to preserve the couple’s space. And if at a given moment you don’t feel capable of taking big steps, taking a tiny step (a word of attention, a « pardon»…) is already doing your best !

A concrete example of how to apply this agreement :
After an argument, everyone went too far in their comments. In this situation, rather than locking yourself behind barricades, « doing your best » means taking responsibility, and trying to make amends, by apologizing for example.
In short, it means accepting that your relationship isn’t « perfect », but taking small steps every day to get closer to a beautiful harmony.