Lovers AND parents :
mission impossible ?
💡 While the arrival of a first child will obviously turn your daily life as a couple upside down, having a discussion together beforehand about your expectations will enable you to
be clear about the family you want to create together
.
The statistics on the rate of separation of couples in the year following the birth of their first child are terrifying. Without going so far as to talk about separation, is baby clash a phenomenon you see a lot of in your patients ?
It’s a phenomenon I’ve begun to observe fairly recently, I’d say around 2020 : that’s not to say that everything was perfect before, but the term didn’t exist, and couples consulted less for it. Today I receive many more.
This evolution is probably due to the fact that speech is freer, but perhaps also to the fact that I believe there is increasing pressure to be « perfect parents ». I’ll come back to this later, but I think the term itself is double-edged : it can create counterproductive anxiety in future or young parents.
What does this « baby clash » actually look like ?
This corresponds to a period when there is no longer any quality of bond or dialogue between parents. The bond is severed, replaced by blame, withdrawal, resentment…
There are as many different situations as there are couplesThe father may feel excluded from this new duo, either because the mother doesn’t trust him enough to give him a role with the baby, or because he’s not invested enough, or not in the way the mother would like.
This creates a lot of frustration and disappointment, and if it’s not expressed in a functional way, resentment builds insidiously month after month. Each one holds more and more grudges against the other, creating a vicious circle.
How long does it last on average ?
What do you think are the main causes ?
The first question to ask is to take stock of the state of the relationship before the baby’s birth : it’s often the pre-existing fragilities that crystallize with the arrival of the child.
In any case, when a baby arrives, the duo’s organization becomes obsolete, and a new one has to be recreated. In reality, mental workloads and tasks are not necessarily divided perfectly 50/50. It’s OK if communication is fluid, if everyone takes responsibility for their needs and expresses them. Without real communication, on the other hand, this new organization and these new constraints can insidiously create resentment on one side or the other, or both.
- The reasons for this crisis are therefore partly internal to the couple, starting with poor communication :
- Non-verbalized expectations
- Little or no real listening
- Fear of either of them saying what they really feel
This crisis can also be fueled by individual malaise : nostalgia for the freedom of the past, painful echoes of one’s own childhood… these feelings are frequent and natural, but become problematic when they are not accompanied by good couple communication.
Finally, external factors « add another layer » : the current pressure to be perfect parents, 100% dedicated to their baby, and the lack of time spent alone or together to recharge their batteries.
In your opinion, what can couples do before the birth, or even before conception, to best prepare for the arrival of a child and preserve their relationship ?
- Beforehand, it’s important to take time for a real discussion between the two of you, by doing a projection exercise. For example, you can discuss the following questions :
- How do you see your role as parents ?
- What kind of family lifestyle do you want to create ?
- Just as important : how do you project yourself, as an individual, into this new life ?
- What are your values (as individuals and as a couple)?
- Which ones would you like to pass on ?
- It is also a good practice to make agreements before the birth, for example :
- Don’t make any irrevocable decisions while you’re still sleep-deprived,
- Dedicate a romantic evening to you every two weeks,
- Have x hours of personal time each week (for sports, seeing friends…).
Of course, these agreements will have to be readjusted in line with reality, but having set them in advance helps to keep the couple on course and preserve their bond.
And after the birth ?
The key words, once the baby is here, are balance and listening.
Although the arrival of a baby is an upheaval, it doesn « t have to absorb 100% of the parents » time and energy. Everyone remains a person in their own right, and a lover.
It’s important to find a balance between time dedicated to the children, and quality time dedicated to the couple. At the very beginning, even an hour or two alone, just to have a coffee down the street, is hyper-important for the overall balance of the household.
- If a complicated situation is already in place, the priority is to restore the bond (without which communication on substantive issues will be complicated), before trying to « solve » the problems. This involves :
- Restoring trust : keeping commitments, keeping your word
- Give yourself some quality time, aiming for « small » things (not necessarily a crazy weekend, but half an hour of board games), without necessarily talking about important things.
- Then, once a certain calm has been restored, the couple will feel a little more capable of tackling the « hot topics ».
- Either on their own if they feel up to it, or by seeking outside help (like a therapist, without waiting too long).
I find that we talk a lot about the arrival of a child in terms that can seem frightening (« storm », « revolution»…). Do you have anything reassuring to share for the final word ?
I agree 100%, and I’m not at all comfortable with terms like « baby clash », which are everywhere at the moment : they box people in, and add to the apprehension and anxiety surrounding the arrival of a baby.
It’s important to remember that birth is first and foremost a joyful moment, which we have the right to look forward to with excitement and happiness. Without wishing to sound like an old fart, when I had my daughter in 2002, there were of course already problems in couples, things to be corrected, but a lot less pressure around all that. We were expecting a baby, it was going to be great, and we weren’t surrounded by all this lexicon about the threat a baby poses to the couple.
Today, parents-to-be almost hear that this is going to be the end of their relationship ! Rest assured, it can also be a great adventure for two !
PS : If you’re interested in conflict management, the following article should be of interest to you -> https://www.unio-preparation.com//en/blog/marital-discords/
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