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Your relationship : an asset for turning your plans into reality

How do you achieve your goals as a couple ? Have you ever heard phrases like « the couple is the end of freedom »?
The answer is probably yes : this limiting belief is deeply rooted in the collective imagination.

Well, at Unio, we believe it’s just the opposite : for us, the couple is a wonderful place of growth for each individual and for the whole family.
enriching your life as a couple with meaningful projects
is one of the best ways to have a successful life together !

0 – How my relationship has helped me achieve my goals

Let’s take my example (Lysiane, co-founder of the Unio premarital counseling program): before I met Romain, I was in a comfortable permanent job, which suited me in many ways. I learned a lot, made some great friends… and yet, deep down, I wanted something else, especially travel and entrepreneurship.

But I didn’t have the courage to take the plunge : I felt alone, without a safety net.

Since I met Romain, it’s been very different : I know there’s someone on my side to support me, and if one of my projects fails I’ll always have something (my couple) and someone (Romain) wonderful in my life to lean on to bounce back.

⬆️ « That, for example, I wouldn’t have done on my own. »

So that doesn’t mean that being single means you can’t try things, of course not. But in my life experience, I’ve noticed that my relationship is a great springboard for following my dreams : in my case, going on a 14-month round-the-world trip or setting up my own creative arts boutique.

1 – Why are individual projects so important when you’re a couple ?

Individual projects are essential to a balanced relationship for several reasons :

👉🏼 Individual projects help you avoid too much merging

Everyone can take a breather, rather than being constantly « on top of each other ».
While our society still generally values the model of the « fusional » couple, and this works in the initial « honeymoon » phase, it is not viable in the long-lasting « real couple », as it creates a risk of suffocation.
➡️ It’s up to you to find your own balance between what therapists Carolle and Serge Vidal-Graf call « inspiration-fusion » and « expiration-separation » (in their book Couple rêve couple réel : de l’état amoureux à l’amour). Just as you need two breathing cycles to live, a couple needs a succession of moments of fusion and separation.

👉🏼 Individual projects let you keep your individuality

They allow everyone to retain their individuality, developing their own goals, passions, interests.… Remember that at the start of your relationship, it was probably the other person’s uniqueness and difference that attracted you.

👉🏼 Individual projects enrich your relationship

They enrich the relationship : when each person experiences things separately, they come back to the other with things to tell, feelings to share, information to share…
A certain need for distance, far from meaning that love diminishes, feeds love (each returns to the other after a moment apart with things to talk about, impressions to share…).

« Individual projects are essential. They prevent us from falling into the trap of fusion at all costs, with all its stifling superficiality. They are a kind of breath of fresh air for each spouse, even if there are times when it’s better to carry them out than others ».

Caroline Kruse, marriage and family counselor

2 – How can the couple be the driving force behind your individual projects ?

As teenagers, you probably had big dreams : to travel, start a family, star in a film… Unfortunately, as they grow up, many people tend to lose sight of them, for a variety of reasons : they’ve been told that other paths are more sensible (rightly or wrongly, depending on their point of view), they’ve been afraid to fail, they’ve forgotten… or they’ve simply chosen the easy way out.

Yet one of the most beautiful functions of a couple, far from limiting you, is to enable you to reconnect with who you were before you forgot your dreams. The other sees in you the treasure, the abilities, the talents… that perhaps you no longer see ! Personal development is the key to a fulfilling relationship.

« Amazing things can happen in a relationship when each member of the couple is able to change and grow, and at the same time accommodate (and be supportive of) the other’s personal development. »

John and Julie Gottman, Eight lovers » rendezvous

Do you have any dreams you’ve put aside ? Why ?
Does the life you lead today, or the one you’re heading towards, really correspond to your deepest aspirations ? For example, is this career to which you devote yourself day and night your true aspiration, or does it reflect your parents » desire for upward mobility ?

Luckily, now you’re not alone in contemplating your dreams.

3 – How to avoid drowning individual projects in the couple ?

Unfortunately, life can mean that our teenage dreams get lost in the day-to-day, but also in the couple’s or family’s shared projects : building a house together takes precedence over our desire to learn Chinese.

take the time to discuss this subject with both of you

take stock of your joint projects, of course,
but also on your individual aspirations, which are also very important.

👉🏼 In practice :

The aim is to write them down in black and white, and to reflect together on the adaptations needed in the couple to support this dream, if of course you think it’s worth pursuing.

What financial adjustments are needed ?
How will this affect your quality time together ? How can we compensate in some way ?
Is it the right time ? Or would it be more coherent in two years » time ?

👉🏼 Recap :

All these questions are necessary in order to move from a vague idea to a project with an action plan, in which both members of the couple feel invested, one as a player and the other as a supporter.

If you’d like to go further on this subject, that’s exactly what we suggest you do in session 7 of the Unio premarital counseling course.

🔥 And you, what’s your dream that’s been put aside for too long ? 🔥