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Our 5 tools to improve the quality of your couple’s communication

Communication within a couple is a crucial element for a fulfilling and lasting relationship : taking care of it is part of our 9 practical tips for a successful relationship .
And yet, it is often cited as one of the main difficulties encountered by lovers : good communication requires interpersonal skills that cannot be learned at school. Unfortunately, these problems can lead to marital conflict or lack of intimacy, and sometimes even to break-up.

What a pity, when these communication skills can be learned and quickly contribute to improving the quality of the bond between spouses !

While the simple act of expressing yourself may seem obvious, we invite you to delve into the often overlooked subtleties of marital dialogue techniques, such as active listening, love languages, non-violent communication and other tools that can transform your couple’s dynamic.

These precise, actionable tips will help you rapidly improve the quality of your discussions and mutual understanding. And find harmony, better manage your disagreements and conflicts, and stop living in mutual incomprehension.

So, without further ado, here are 5 keys that will open the door to deep, fulfilling communication in your married life, through richer, more meaningful exchanges.

1 – Active listening : an essential tool for couple communication

When we think of « communication », we spontaneously think of expressing ourselves, there’s another skill that’s just as important : the ability to listen.

One tool for this is active listening. We are devoting an entire article on this listening methodbut below you’ll find some initial tips on how to get started quickly.

What is active listening ?

Active listening, also known as sympathetic listening, is a concept developed by Carl Rogers.

It is characterized by exclusive attention to the speaker, whether verbal or non-verbal : unlike listener-centered listening, with its judgments and concerns, it focuses on the speaker, who must be given every opportunity to express himself or herself.

It goes far beyond simply hearing the words spoken by your partner. It’s an active process that requires you to create space within yourself to truly welcome the other person and seek to understand their feelings, emotions and motivations with empathy…
This form of listening fosters a deeper understanding of verbal and non-verbal messages, establishing an authentic and positive connection.

Don’t worry : this is not an attitude that comes spontaneously. It’s a real learning process to know how to stand back and offer your full attention to the person expressing themselves.

This is not really listening

Let’s start by defining what active listening is not. Here is a non-exhaustive list of behaviors that many of us unconsciously adopt, while believing we are listening :

❌ Interrupt the other before he has finished speaking.
❌ Giving unsolicited advice : sometimes the person simply needs to express their thoughts without seeking immediate solutions.
❌ Minimizing the feelings expressed, or wanting to reassure at all costs.
❌ Use phrases like « it’s nothing » that can invalidate your partner’s emotions.
❌ Judging or analyzing, with regard to one’s own experience.
❌ React defensively, looking for hidden attacks.
❌ Doing something else at the same time, like scrolling through your phone or discreetly replying to a message.
❌ Show signs of impatience.
❌ Finish each other’s sentences.
❌ Prepare your response or counter-argument while the other is speaking.

Do you see yourself in some of these behaviors ? Don’t panic, it happens all the time. Becoming aware of this is a good first step towards change.

The active listening checklist

Now that we’ve seen what active listening isn’t, here’s a list of behaviors you can adopt to be a real, empathetic listener.

⬜️ Avoid interrupting the speaker.
⬜️ Adjust to his personality and show interest in his experiences as well as his words.
⬜️ Encourage them to ask questions.
⬜️ Be fully present in the moment to demonstrate your availability.
⬜️ Check mutual understanding by rephrasing the other person’s words : this ensures that you’ve understood the message without having added your own filters.
⬜️ Cultivate patience by avoiding any display of frustration or impatience.

Active listening’s greatest challenge : learning to be silent

One of the most difficult aspects of active listening is the ability to remain silent.
Often, when we pretend to listen, we’re already preparing our answers, analyzing and formulating counter-arguments. And we want to express them as quickly as possible, without making sure the other person has had time to get to the bottom of their thoughts.

However, true listening is about receiving without judgment, truly understanding the other person, their motivations and beliefs.
Turn your tongue over and over in your mouth before answering ! And don’t hesitate to leave silences, which allow your interlocutor to organize his thoughts and go further in what he wishes to express.

2 – Communication levels

When it comes to communication, form plays an important role, but so does content : what are your discussions about ? At what level do you share ?
We invite you to discover six « categories » that shape exchanges, and how to create a sense of security for open, loving communication.

The six levels of intimacy

We’ve grouped the possible discussion topics into 6 levels : this categorization is our own, but we think it’s a useful way of taking stock of the quality of exchanges within a couple.
So here are the 6 levels of intimacy you’re likely to discuss with your partner :

The exchange of trivial information : talking about everyday life, light topics like the weather.
Your opinions and beliefs : reveal more about yourself by sharing your personal vision of the world.
Your needs : reveal your material, psychological and relational needs.
Your emotions : express your joy and surprise, but also your sadness and shame.
Your desires and dreams : reveal what drives you, what sets you in motion.
Your weaknesses : share your fears and failures. This is the highest level of privacy, often concealed.

Building deep communication in a couple depends on understanding and accepting all levels of intimacy.
All these levels are important : on a day-to-day basis, you can’t just talk incessantly about deep subjects (it’s also great for two people to chat about the girl next door 😉), but systematically leaving them aside doesn’t help to develop an authentic, rich bond.

💡 Now that you’ve learned about these 6 levels, it’s time to ask yourself : at which levels are we comfortable ? Which ones do we leave out the most ? Why ?

The key to getting to the deepest levels of discussion : creating a sense of security

The ability to navigate between these levels of intimacy relies on creating a sense of security in your relationship.
It’s the certainty of being able to communicate openly and authentically, while feeling loved.

It’s up to you to make this feeling of security grow over the course of the relationship :

➡️ At first, each partner tries to present their best side, and not to show their real needs or weaknesses, for example.
➡️ Over time, entering into a truly intimate relationship means opening the door to the deepest levels of intimacy.
There can be no true love without true knowledge. If you feel you’re still hiding your weaknesses, for example, explore the underlying reasons : whether it’s fear of being loved less, or beliefs inherited from childhood (e.g. « boys are strong »).

Opening your heart to your partner is a precious gift, and enables you to receive valuable support for individual growth, and to heal certain wounds.
You can then ask yourself the following questions : do I feel comfortable talking about everything ? Are there any taboo subjects between us ? Why ?

Dare to be authentic, because it’s in true knowledge that love blossoms.
Make openness and mutual acceptance the foundations of your relationship, and discover the beauty of true intimacy.

3 – Non-violent communication

Communicating as a couple can sometimes be a challenge, especially when it comes totackling complex issues or resolving conflicts.
There is one particularly effective method for tackling these issues : non-violent communication. non-violent communication a valuable tool modeled by Marshall B. Rosenberg, which encourages exchanges that respect everyone’s needs, values and feelings.

It’s based on a good understanding of oneself and one’s needs, as well as on the principles of sincerity and active, sympathetic listening. It rejects all forms of violence, no matter how hidden.

Putting it into practice : the OFNR method

NVC is based on four key principles and stages, grouped together under the acronym OFNR :

👉🏼 Observation : Describe the situation objectively, focusing on neutral facts.
Example : « When I observe that…»
👉🏼 Feeling : Express the emotions and feelings aroused by the situation.
Example : « I feel…»
👉🏼 Need : Identify the unmet need that has triggered these emotions.
Example : « Because I need…».
👉🏼 Request : Formulate a clear request about what the other person can do to meet this need.
Example : « Could you…?»

Practical example :
If your partner has forgotten to do the shopping he was supposed to do, replace reproaches with non-violent communication :

Avoid non-constructive and often aggressive criticism : « You’re just an egotist, we can’t count on you. »
Opt for : « When I observe that you come home without having done the shopping, I feel angry, because I need consideration, cooperation and support. Could you, when you commit to a household task, set yourself a reminder not to forget ? »

To learn more about the OFNR method, read our article on expressing needs rather than reproaches.

Non-violent communication : going further

In addition to applying this method, here are a few tips and things to consider to help you trade more effectively :

➡️ Asking for feedback : once you’ve expressed your request, a crucial step is to ask for feedback and create a bridge with the other person : « How does it make you feel when I say that ? How does it make you feel ? »
➡️ As a general rule, even if you don’t follow the method to the letter, try to start your sentences with « I » rather than « you «: this allows you to focus on how you feel, and thus better express your needs without blaming.
➡️ Context and body language : in addition to the OFNR method, context is essential for deep conversations : make sure you get the timing right and create an environment that’s conducive, calm and free from distractions.
Body language also plays a crucial role : before broaching a delicate subject, take the time to look into each other’s eyes and hold hands.

Non-violent communication offers a powerful framework for tackling difficult subjects or disagreements between couples.
By integrating these principles and paying attention to context and body language, you can turn delicate conversations into opportunities for mutual understanding and strengthening your bond.

4 – The languages of love, essential to a fulfilling conjugal relationship

Last but not least, here’s a tool that can really revolutionize your love communication, so simple and powerful is it : the
love languages
.

The principle of love languages for better understanding as a couple

Communication within a couple can sometimes seem to be in a foreign language… That’s what Gary Chapman explains in his bestseller « The 5 Love Languages ».
Using numerous examples, he explains that each of us has a specific way of feeling and communicating love : « if we want to communicate effectively with people from other cultures, we need to learn their language. The same applies to love ».

Believing you speak the same language as your partner can lead to misunderstandings.

Let’s take an example :
Sophie speaks the language of touch, while Pierre expresses himself through services rendered. No matter how hard he tries to keep the house looking nice when Sophie comes home in the evening, she won’t feel loved if he doesn’t start by giving her a hug when she gets home.
Each will feel unloved, without having understood or taken the measure of the love expressed by the other. They simply don’t speak the same language. What a shame !

Understanding these differences is crucial to maintaining a strong connection and creating a fulfilling married life for both partners.

The 5 love languages : what are they ?

There are 5 main ways to express love. Here are the 5 types of communication :

➡️ Words of affirmation : compliments on personality, appearance, or recognizing the other person’s efforts.
« You’re so good at calming kids down. »
➡️ Quality time : offering full attention and presence, regardless of the activity.
« Come on, let’s take a walk around the block just the two of us. »
➡️ Receiving gifts : the value lies in the intention behind the gift, showing that the other person has taken the time to think about it.
« I went to the bakery to buy you your favorite dessert. »
➡️ Acts of service : performing concrete acts, such as running errands, thus showing your love through actions.
« Stay and rest this afternoon, I’ll take the kids to their activities. »
➡️ Physical touch : not just sexuality, but also hugs, kisses, or simply holding hands.
Don’t leave home without a goodbye kiss.

The languages of love : how to apply them

To use this tool effectively, several steps are required :

1️⃣ Know your language : to start with, identify your own language by observing your behavior and reflecting on your frequent requests and shortcomings. What you offer often reflects what you need.
- So that he can recognize your signs of love when they appear
- May he strive to express his love in your language
2️⃣ Know your partner’s language.
- So that you can recognize his signs of love when they appear
- May you strive to express your love in its language

To make sure this doesn’t go unheeded, we’ve come up with a little challenge for you : each of you has to perform a small action in your partner’s main language over the coming week.

5 – 💡 Practical exercise : take stock of your current communication patterns

Would you like to put these tools into practice ? It’s great ! But there’s one crucial step before that : taking stock of your current communication patterns as a couple.

This first step is fundamental to identifying the obstacles and parasites you may already be encountering, and a good way to create a solid foundation for deeper, more fulfilling exchanges.

Evaluate your communication patterns

In your day-to-day interactions, you may have noticed problematic patterns in your marital communication.

Here are some ideas for identifying and understanding these problems :

👉🏼 Identify behaviours that don’t suit youYou and your partner may have sensitive subjects that close the door to discussion, a feeling of not really being listened to, outbursts of anger, hurtful words, moments of indifference, difficulty in calmly returning to the subjects of your arguments…
👉🏼 Identifying obstacles and parasites : what are the main obstacles to healthy communication ? Lack of time, lack of tools, other commitments ? What external factors (telephone, stress, fatigue…) disrupt your exchanges ?

If you have problems with certain aspects of your communication, don’t ignore them.
Don’t expect these problems to resolve themselves : it’s time to open a dialogue and find solutions to change what’s not working for you.

If there are any issues that seem intractable, don’t hesitate to get help : couple therapy is not a dirty word, and couple psychologists can be of great help, often in just a few sessions !

Putting you on the road to better communication

If there’s an aspect of communication that doesn’t fully suit you, now’s the time to put things right, and try to resolve what’s not working the way you’d like.

Here are a few suggestions to get you started :

👉🏼 Establish dedicated times and places to discuss your communication : define phone-free times, such as mealtimes or bedtimes, for a more authentic connection.
👉🏼 Practice active listening : make it a point to stop interrupting each other and wait for the right moment to announce important news.
👉🏼 Celebrating victories : don’t forget to celebrate small victories. If you see improvements, such as better expression of needs, or moments that work for difficult discussions, congratulate each other.
👉🏼 Never assume that your partner can guess your thoughts. Clearly express your needs and desires.
👉🏼 Show curiosity : always be curious about others. Like an explorer, seek to enrich your knowledge of your partner.

By continuing along this path, you’re building a solid foundation for deep, fulfilling communication in your relationship.

Conclusion

By incorporating these tools into your relationship, you lay the foundations for deep, fulfilling and lasting communication.
Getting into the habit of regularly taking stock of your communication patterns, and striving to implement the tools presented in this article, will help you maintain a long-lasting, healthy relationship, as well as overcoming the periods of tension that are inevitable in even a happy couple’s life.

Remember, communication between couples is an ongoing journey. Be patient, open and committed to mutual growth throughout your life together.