🏡 Accueil » ❤️ vie de couple » Maintaining desire as a couple

Maintaining desire as a couple : 3 keys to a fulfilling relationship

Maintaining sexual desire as a couple, and how it evolves over time : a subject that concerns everyone, even if it sometimes remains a little taboo between partners. Either because you’re afraid of what it might mean for your relationship, or because you’re afraid of your partner’s reaction.

💡 Moreover, to
give sexuality the place it deserves for both of you in your relationship
we recommend our article on 9 tips for a successful relationship.

➡️ What are our preconceived ideas on the subject, and how can we continue to blossom over time, despite fluctuations in our desires ?

We asked Lucie, founder of the Melba app, which guides couples to sexual fulfillment through immersive experiences, to offer us some answers, through their collaboration with sexologists. Wondering what Melba’s guided experiences are all about ? Go read this article :
Voice-guided sex : how does it work ?

Maintaining desire as a couple : what are the myths about desire ?

Desire in the movies vs. in real life

According to Hollywood depictions, the urge to make love always falls upon us without warning, and we find ourselves struck by this sudden and immediate impulse.

We’ve all seen a thousand scenes where the protagonists rush towards each other without even having to speak, and indulge in languorous lovemaking.

This vision of passionate love is one of the most widespread beliefs about couples. 👉🏼 Read our article on false beliefs about couples .

As you’d expect, that’s what you see in the movies ; in real life, sex isn’t quite like that. To demystify all this, let’s look at types of desire.

Spontaneous and reactive desire

It’s customary to distinguish between two types of sexual desire we may experience, and one is no better than the other !

The first is what’s known as spontaneous desire : as the name suggests, it’s an impulsive desire for sex, an arousal that arises without being preceded by any kind of stimulation.

Conversely, reactive desire is the desire for sex in response to stimulation, whether physical or mental : a massage, a reading, an erotic thought, a caress.

Desire is neither gendered nor standardized, despite our unfortunate tendency to make spontaneity the norm. Indeed, this very division is open to debate, with some people putting forward the interesting argument that no desire is really spontaneous. It’s the delay between stimulation and the triggering of the sexual impulse that varies from one person to another. To meditate on or discuss within the couple 😉.

The linearity of libido

As you’ve no doubt realized by now, our sexual appetite isn’t as constant as a machine. Our libido is subject to natural fluctuations that are caused by a multitude of external factors.

A person’s state of health, illnesses and their treatment, hormonal changes, type of contraception, the health of their relationship, financial or professional concerns, unforeseen or planned life events (childbirth…) and psychological factors can all slow down or boost sexual desire, or even lead to a loss of libido.

It’s clear that the desire of couples is not necessarily constant or spontaneous. If the desire for sex can take a back seat to other concerns, or even be forgotten over the years, don’t panic : we’re not here to tell you to give up on your sex life for good – quite the contrary !

In session 5 of the Unio premarital counseling course we guide you in deep, heart-to-heart discussions about your sexuality, including desire over time.

But in the meantime, here are a few tips to help you in your quest for sexual fulfillment for two.

How to maintain desire as a couple ?

Overcoming the illusion of spontaneity

The orchid you have, you look after carefully : you pay attention to its sunlight, and every 10 days you water it.

Desire is all the same : you have to nurture it. Sex drive is not to be taken for granted, and like a flower, it needs attention and care to blossom. A quick reminder : outbursts of passion are mostly to be found in the movies.

Let’s go back to the example of your plant : there’s nothing shocking about making a note in your schedule to remember to water it. It’s time to normalize doing the same for your couple’s reunion moments. You don’t need to plan anything extravagant, or block off an entire afternoon. You can do very simple things, small attentions that you know will please your partner, or just 5 minutes to hug without saying anything.…

Allow yourself the luxury of taking time out ; these special moments will enable you to get together, share and exchange ideas, all of which will continue to strengthen your relationship and rekindle desire. What’s more, planning your intimate moments can even enable you to fantasize about the situation in advance, feeding it with your erotic imagination and thus fanning the flames of desire.

The power of communication to maintain desire

Communication obviously plays a major role in your couple’s sexual development. It is important to be able to talk freely about what drives youSince your partner can’t guess what you want, it’s an opportunity to keep asking yourself questions about what you like, to think about your fantasies and to find out what you want. give free rein to your erotic imaginationwithout necessarily trying to realize every thought.

You’ll also learn about your partner’s desires and fantasies. In the course of these discussions, maybe you’ll realize that you share certain desires, maybe you’ll be tempted, and maybe you’ll even start trying new things. By talking with your partner, you build the solid foundations needed for intimate exploration and blossoming intimacy, and help awaken desire.

Do you find it hard to express your needs, especially when it comes to sex ? We give you tips on how to express them rather than reproach them with
our article on how to express your needs
.

Nurturing desire by experimenting without pressure

👉🏼 Do acrobatics, know the whole kamasutra
👉🏼 BDSM in 50 shades of grey mode
👉🏼 Being a libertine, swinging experiences

A program that may be quite satisfying for some, but may be a little limiting for others. There’s a lot of talk about freeing up communication about sexuality, but that doesn’t mean we have to add an injunction to be sexually « liberated » and want to test everything without asking ourselves whether these experiences are right for us or not.

1,000 ways to continue exploring your sexuality together

Really reconnecting with your sensations, coming back to yourself, listening more closely to your body : we can tend to forget, out of mechanism or because we’re desperate for some kind of performance or orgasm at all costs.
Keep the practices you like, but try them out differently : why not vary the intensity and rhythm, and new sensations can emerge.
Compare fantasy lists : fantasies are very personal, and you don’t have to have the same ones. Why not make a list on your own, and then compare what you have in common ?

We start by getting to know ourselves, identifying our desires and limits
You don’t have to try everything when it comes to sexual activity, but that doesn’t mean you’re « stuck ».
You may want to try something out of curiosity, and then never try it again.
We listen to what our partner has to say about his or her desires, without judgment.

In the process, you’ll probably come across some things you like and some things you don’t (failures bring you closer together, and you’ll laugh every time you remember them), but the search itself is part of the fun !

Where to start ? You can work it out on your own with your imagination, or you can find tools to guide you ! The Melba app is one of them 😉.

Conclusion

In order to maintain your desire as a couple over time, it’s important to first understand what you’re looking for. preconceived ideas about sexuality We often tend to see certain fluctuations in desire as abnormal, or to think that spontaneous desire is the only really valid one. Freeing ourselves from these myths means we can talk about the subject without pressure or frustration.

If there’s no « miracle recipe » for blossoming as a couple, despite what some magazines would have us believe, it’s certain that a good level of communication will help you, as will the awareness that sexuality, like everything else in a relationship, is something you can take care of and for which it’s acceptable to make certain efforts – but that doesn’t take the magic out of it ! Maintaining desire requires an investment by both of you !

If, however, you’re experiencing real frustrations and find it hard to talk about them, it’s a good idea to consult a sexologist/couples therapist, whose job it is to support couples throughout their relationship in matters relating to their desire.