The power of marital discord : discover the revolutionary 90/10 rule
If you’ve been following us for a while (on Instagram, via our newsletter or on our blog), you’re probably familiar with one of our core principles : couple fights can be incredibly beneficial.
💡 Talking about arguments, the difficulties you may experience as a couple and
and how to prepare for them
are one of the topics covered in our ultimate guide to married life.
In this article, we’ll delve into the heart of this notion, explaining how disagreements in a romantic relationship can actually strengthen bonds.
It is the expression of divergent opinions and disagreements, often accompanied by an emotional charge : anger, sadness…
Table of contents
1 – Is it normal for a couple to argue a lot ?
Our answer is YES !
We are deeply convinced that arguments within a couple are not necessarily negative. In fact, they can testify to a balanced and healthy relationship.
How is this possible ? Let us explain.
Disagreements reflect the maintenance of your individual identities.
Each of you has your own values, opinions and experiences, which means you can’t agree on everything. These differences shouldn’t disappear as part of your life together : a successful couple is above all two individuals who retain their identity.
Conflicts and arguments between couples show your humanity.
As human beings, you’re imperfect : it’s normal that hurtful words can sometimes be exchanged, even with the best of intentions and despite all the love you have for each other.
Even the strongest couples go through crises, and making a relationship last doesn’t mean avoiding marital strife at all costs. These conflicts are by no means synonymous with the couple’s failure.
Conflict increases your intimacy.
- In addition to being normal, these tense moments offer the opportunity for a better mutual understanding and a deepening of your intimacy, provided :
- To have learned how to argue « well », i.e. without violence, with respect… This is what we teach you to do in session 4 of the Unio premarital couseling course
- Knowing how to repair what has been damaged when a conflict has gone too far, by knowing how to how to come back from the brink
- Understanding forgiveness and choosing to forgive
- Maintaining good communication within the couple, even at the most difficult times
- Agree to seek help (with couple therapy or marriage counselling, for example) if the dialogue has broken down
2 – The 90/10 rule : an exploration of conflict and tension in relationships
And it could well change your love life and your view of relationship conflicts.
According to this rule,
only 10% of our reactions in conflict situations are directly related to the current problematic situation
. The remaining 90% are actually echoes of our past, unresolved traumas or old pains.
The psychology of couples is complex !
3 – For a better understanding : an example of the 90/10 rule in a couple’s relationship
Let’s take an example to illustrate this intriguing rule.
❌ Imagine Ludovic and Clément in the middle of a discussion. As Ludovic shares a highlight of his day, Clément interrupts to talk about dinner plans.
Without knowing this rule, Clément might have thought that Ludovic was simply temperamental, or had had a bad day. It could be an ordinary couple’s quarrel.
So he waits for Ludovic to calm down, and resumes the discussion to understand where his reaction comes from ; in other words, what this situation has triggered in him.
As Ludovic delves deeper into his story, he realizes that his anger isn’t just about the interruption itself, but that it’s actually awakening a childhood trauma. In his family, children’s opinions were often downplayed, and they had little say, which left him with deep emotional wounds. Clément’s interruption rekindles these old wounds.
At the end of this episode :
- ✅ Ludovic knows himself better
- ✅ Clément knows Ludovic better
- ✅ Their level of privacy has increased
- ✅ In the future, Clément will have to be careful not to hurt Ludovic’s feelings with this behavior.
- ✅ In the future, Ludovic will be more aware of how to respond in such a situation (having talked about it will probably make him feel safer): « I am no longer an 8‑year-old child, I am an adult in a loving and secure relationship ».), rather than reacting without conscience.
Therein lies the real treasure : the mutual understanding this awareness can bring to the couple. This intimacy is essential to a lasting relationship.
Ludovic can share his past with Clément, reinforcing their intimacy by deepening their understanding of each other. Clément, for his part, can offer his empathy and support to Ludovic in his emotional healing process.
Together, they can develop strategies to better manage future disagreements and prevent conflicts from escalating out of control.
4 – Increasing intimacy through couple quarrels
In concrete terms, what should you do when, during an argument, you feel that you or your partner is « out of line » with the situation ?
- You can trade judgment for curiosity, by asking one of the following questions, for example :
- Can you tell me what you’re feeling right now ?
- Is there something, some other story behind your reaction ?
- Does this remind you of a past experience ?
This awareness can pave the way for deeper, more vulnerable discussions, creating an enriching relationship environment.
That’s what true intimacy and complicity are all about, when you want to build a stable relationship : not staying on the surface of the couple’s difficulties, and thus increasing the love in the couple.
This rule can be applied to a wide range of couples » disputes. You’ll probably discover a lot of things beneath the surface…
- For example :
- excessive jealousy may stem from a past betrayal or infidelity
- anxieties about financial matters could be linked to a previous period of insecurity.
- …
🎁 Bonus : a little exercise to apply the 90/10 rule in your love relationship
- We suggest you take a moment to think about :
- 👉🏼 the last time you felt like you were « going crazy ».
- 👉🏼 the last time your lover reacted strongly to an argument.
- 👉🏼 a recurring conflict in your relationship that triggers a strong emotional charge in one or other of you.
Each of you can reflect on what you think may have happened in this situation, and then discuss the subject in depth and in complete vulnerability.
We’re sure it’ll be a great discussion !
Conclusion
At the end of the day, arguments between couples are not necessarily negative.
In fact, they can be valuable opportunities to better understand your partner, strengthen your emotional bonds and deal with past traumas.
By adopting the perspective of the 90/10 rule, you can decipher the roots of your reactions and transform disagreements into moments of growth and intimate sharing.
You’ll see what a lily of the valley story can hide 😉
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