Relationships : discover the 10 relationship enemies to avoid at all costs

Relation amoureuse découvrez les 10 ennemis du couple à éviter à tout prix
A wide­ly held belief about mar­ried life is that « love is enough ». This may be true in the ear­ly stages of a love life, but over time the rela­tion­ship can become more com­pli­ca­ted, due to threats both exter­nal and inter­nal to the couple.

But what are these ene­mies of the couple that you need to pro­tect your­self from in order to enjoy a pea­ce­ful and hap­py rela­tion­ship over the long term ?

The list of poten­tial dan­gers to a love sto­ry is long and by no means exhaus­tive, but in this article we’ve lis­ted 10 of the most com­mon ene­mies of the couple, and of course how to guard against them.

💡 To delve even dee­per into the sub­ject, check out our full article, fea­tu­ring our 
best prac­ti­cal tips for an even more ful­filling mar­ried life
.

Table of contents 

1 – Lack of attention or indifference 

How lack of attention is an enemy of the couple

The « oppo­site » of love in a cou­ple’s rela­tion­ship is not anger or hatred… but rather indif­fe­rence : the absence of affec­tion, atten­tion or inter­est in what the other is going through or feeling. 

It can take many forms in a cou­ple’s rela­tion­ship : one or the other no lon­ger takes the ini­tia­tive, no lon­ger shares inti­ma­cy, no lon­ger real­ly lis­tens, no lon­ger confides in others, no lon­ger notices phy­si­cal or psy­cho­lo­gi­cal changes in their partner…

How to avoid it ?

    Here are a few ways to avoid this ene­my of the couple :
  • ➡️ Notice with gra­ti­tude eve­ry­thing eve­ryone does for the rela­tion­ship, and so take nothing for gran­ted. If this isn’t your habit, it should be a real conscious effort at first to change your fil­ter on your partner.
  • ➡️ Com­mu­ni­cate this gra­ti­tude to others.
  • ➡️ Make the deci­sion to pay more atten­tion to what the other per­son is fee­ling, expe­rien­cing, tal­king about… and show it through small gestures.
  • ➡️ If indif­fe­rence is alrea­dy present, dis­cuss its pos­sible causes : wea­ri­ness, fatigue, desire for soli­tude…

2 – Grudge or resentment 

How resentment is a danger to the couple 

It’s a ques­tion of having « bad­ly diges­ted » some­thing and hol­ding on to it in a form of resent­ment, ani­mo­si­ty or res ent­ment towards the other person.
The causes can be many : unac­cep­ted beha­vior, a fee­ling of not having been lis­te­ned to, an unmet need… and it creates very unplea­sant emotions. 
This ene­my is com­mon in couples where one or the other is uncom­for­table with conflict and pre­fers to sweep things under the car­pet, hoping they’ll magi­cal­ly disap­pear. Spoi­ler : it doesn’t work.
The num­ber of argu­ments does not cor­re­late with the strength of the couple. Buil­ding a couple involves lear­ning to « argue well », to say things, to avoid accu­mu­la­ting ten­sion and resentment.
A repres­sed emo­tion doesn’t disap­pear, but grows and soo­ner or later emerges in a form that is not always appro­priate for the relationship. 

How do you get rid of them ? 

    Here are some ways to deal with this resent­ment :
  • ➡️ Have an open dis­cus­sion on the sub­ject rather than « busi­ness as usual ». 
  • ➡️ Unders­tand what hap­pe­ned when the « damage » was done. 
  • ➡️ For the per­son who cau­sed the harm, apo­lo­gize in appro­priate language. 
  • ➡️ For the per­son who has « suf­fe­red » the wrong, decide if he or she wishes to for­give.

In the
ses­sion 5 of the Unio
course, we take you by the hand to learn how to argue pro­per­ly, how to repair the bond after an argu­ment, and how to avoid gene­ra­ting resentment.

3 – Living side by side, not together 

Why is it an enemy of the couple ?

It can feel like we spend a lot of time toge­ther, and yet share nothing.

This is the case when the « prac­ti­cal » aspect of life takes over : hou­se­hold chores, rai­sing children…
Now we only talk about logistics 

How to protect yourself ? 

  • ➡️ Plan qua­li­ty time toge­ther : from the sim­plest (a few minutes » stroll) to the most impor­tant (a roman­tic wee­kend away), depen­ding on the situa­tion. The impor­tant thing is to have your atten­tion 100% focu­sed on each other, so exclude all dis­trac­tions (tele­phone, chil­dren…) during these moments. 
  • ➡️ Tur­ning eve­ry­day moments into real moments of exchange (for example, taking advan­tage of the time to hang out the washing to tell each other about your day). 

4 – Poor communication 

How poor communication is a pitfall for couples

It’s pro­ba­bly the most com­mon piece of advice given to young lovers : « com­mu­ni­ca­tion is THE key to a good rela­tion­ship ».
OK, but what does it real­ly mean ? And more spe­ci­fi­cal­ly, what is poor communication ?

    This can be done in seve­ral ways :
  • The dia­logue was bro­ken by an event that dama­ged the emo­tio­nal connection. 
  • One or the other feels uncom­for­table, or no lon­ger com­for­table, dis­cus­sing all sub­jects (sexua­li­ty, money, in-laws…). 
  • One or the other doesn’t feel lis­te­ned to, or no lon­ger feels lis­te­ned to.
  • You pre­fer to « sweep com­plex issues under the car­pet » rather than dis­cuss them. 

How to protect yourself ?

👉 Our advice ?

Car­ry out an 
active lis­te­ning ses­sion (dedi­ca­ted article)
. If you don’t know what it is and how to set it up, we’ll guide you step by step in the blog post dedi­ca­ted to this tool for a satis­fying relationship.

👉 Objective :

Let eve­ryone put into words the com­mu­ni­ca­tion pro­blems you’re having, and have a real space to dig into the emo­tions and fee­lings this creates in him or her. And of course to talk about the rela­tion­ship in a broa­der sense. 
Relation amoureuse découvrez les 10 ennemis du couple à éviter à tout prix

5 – Lack of a shared vision 

How is it an enemy of the couple ?

    The sha­red vision of a couple is essen­tial for buil­ding a las­ting rela­tion­ship and brings many things toge­ther : sha­redvalues, long-term pro­jects... and even more phi­lo­so­phi­cal sub­jects such as :
  • The vision of life you share
  • The role you wish to play as a couple around you : in your close circle, but also more wide­ly in society.

It is a com­pass, a strong cement for being a har­mo­nious couple. It gives mea­ning to the life you share.

👉 The problem : 

When a couple doesn’t have one, or doesn’t have one any more, it’s all about day-to-day issues like logis­tics, run­ning the hou­se­hold, pro­blems at work… which can put the couple in difficulty.

How to protect yourself ?

By having a nice two-way dis­cus­sion on the sub­ject. If this sounds too abs­tract, a mar­riage pre­pa­ra­tion course will help you to ask your­self these kinds of ques­tions as a couple, through struc­tu­red, gui­ded sessions. 

This will give a real boost to your rela­tion­ship so that you can live hap­pi­ly together !

6 – Negative talk about the relationship 

How is this speech a problem for the relationship ? 

Nume­rous stu­dies have shown that the hap­pi­ness of lovers and the lon­ge­vi­ty of couples are clo­se­ly cor­re­la­ted to the way (posi­tive or nega­tive) they tell each other stories.
So ask your­self : when you talk about your rela­tion­ship with friends or fami­ly, are you com­plai­ning about your part­ner ? Or, on the contra­ry, to recount beau­ti­ful memo­ries we’ve sha­red together ? 

You can be gene­ral­ly well in your rela­tion­ship and still have a rather nega­tive atti­tude towards it (this bias may be due to your upbrin­ging, for example). Be care­ful : in the long term, belie­ving that the grass is always gree­ner elsew­here is a real dan­ger to your relationship !

How to protect yourself ?

    Here are a few tips to help you avoid this pit­fall :
  • ➡️ Rea­lize that what you see and fan­ta­size as posi­tive in other couples is only a small and bia­sed view of rea­li­ty : you don’t know eve­ry­thing they’re going through or have gone through. 
  • ➡️ Make your own the man­tra « the grass is not gree­ner elsew­here, it’s gree­ner where it’s wate­red » (and share it with your loved one). 
  • ➡️ Make a conscious note of all the posi­tive things in your life toge­ther. If this doesn’t come natu­ral­ly, you can do it aca­de­mi­cal­ly by crea­ting a rou­tine : buy a nice lit­tle note­book, and eve­ry mor­ning or eve­ning write down some­thing posi­tive about your part­ner or your relationship. 

7 – Routine

How is it an enemy of the couple ? 

Rou­tine is not in itself an ene­my of a couple : it can even be some­thing posi­tive to che­rish in a rela­tion­ship that lasts. These lit­tle dai­ly habits, repea­ted a thou­sand times, belong to you alone and contri­bute to your his­to­ry, your attachment.
Epi­sode 7 of « l’es­pace du couple » (The cou­ple’s space) is excellent on this subject. 

Where it’s a pro­blem : when she takes up all the space, and that’s all there is to your rela­tion­ship : no more fun, no more unex­pec­ted… In some cases, it can des­troy desire, seduc­tion and complicity…

How to protect yourself ?

    Taking the bull by the horns ! Spe­ci­fi­cal­ly :
  • ➡️ Ask your­self : at the start of our rela­tion­ship, what was exci­ting ? What did we like to do toge­ther that was out of the ordinary ?
  • ➡️ Ask your­self : when was the last time we did some­thing cra­zy as a couple ? What has stop­ped us from doing it again ? How can we remove this obstacle ?
  • ➡️ Roll up your sleeves and plan your next acti­vi­ty toge­ther. In need of ins­pi­ra­tion ? You’ll pro­ba­bly find them in  our 60 date ideas guide (bonus : they’re sor­ted by mood and month of the year + we’ve got a prin­table plan­ner to get you star­ted right away).

8 – Having unrealistic expectations

Why these expectations are problematic 

We all have needs and expec­ta­tions of each other and of the couple : atten­tion, trust, unders­tan­ding, being accep­ted as you are, res­pect, appre­cia­tion, secu­ri­ty, affec­tion, time spent toge­ther, com­pas­sion, mutual aid, tenderness…
They’re influen­ced by your his­to­ry, your per­so­na­li­ty, but also by your defi­ni­tion of a couple, itself for­med by social constructs, films… 
    The pro­blem ? These stan­dards are often imprac­ti­cal and the­re­fore des­truc­tive :
  • « A hap­py couple has a constant, hyper-strong desire ».
  • « A good couple doesn’t argue ».
  • « With the right per­son, eve­ry­thing becomes simple ».
These com­ple­te­ly unrea­lis­tic injunc­tions have the effect of making lovers feel guil­ty, and even of some­times wron­gly tel­ling them that their rela­tion­ship isn’t good enough. 

How to protect yourself ?

Rea­lize that what hap­pens in the movies has nothing to do with rea­li­ty : being a couple in real life is full of shades of gray !

The right per­son isn’t the one with whom eve­ry­thing will always be smooth and linear…
The right per­son is the one you choose to walk with, through the good times and the not-so-good, com­mit­ted to kee­ping your hand stea­dy through life’s turbulence. 
Deter­mine toge­ther what your expec­ta­tions and goals are, and not those ham­me­red into you by films and magazines. 
Relation amoureuse découvrez les 10 ennemis du couple à éviter à tout prix

9 – Too much merging

How is it an enemy of the couple ?

In the col­lec­tive ima­gi­na­tion, the ideal couple is still lar­ge­ly a fusio­nal couple : hap­py couples do eve­ry­thing toge­ther, make deci­sions sys­te­ma­ti­cal­ly together…

In real life, too much fusion can create the risk of suf­fo­ca­tion.

It’s up to you to find your own balance bet­ween what the­ra­pists Carolle and Serge Vidal-Graf call « ins­pi­ra­tion-fusion » and « expi­ra­tion-sepa­ra­tion » (in their book Couple rêve couple réel : de l’é­tat amou­reux à l’a­mour). Just as you need two brea­thing cycles to live, a couple needs a suc­ces­sion of moments of fusion and separation.

How to protect yourself ?

    Here are seve­ral steps to take if you feel that this ene­my is stal­king you :
  • ➡️ Take a very objec­tive look at the sub­ject toge­ther : what is the ratio of time spent toge­ther or apart ? Are there enough moments in your lives dedi­ca­ted to expe­rien­cing things sepa­ra­te­ly, with other people or alone ? 
  • ➡️ If this balance doesn’t suit you : how can you concre­te­ly create these moments ? 
    Let’s take an example : you were a fan of hiking in the moun­tains when you met your boy­friend. Since then, you’ve put this pas­sion aside, because it’s real­ly not his thing. it’s time to breathe new life into the flame within you. In concrete terms :
  • How to take the time ? Are there any orga­ni­za­tio­nal issues invol­ved (e.g. childcare)? 
  • Is there anyone in my circle other than my part­ner with whom I can share this ? 
  • …
We pro­mise you : not only will you grow, but so will your rela­tion­ship ! You’ll have things to share on your return, and you’ll have rekind­led your part­ner’s curio­si­ty…
After all, when he chose you, it was also because you were pas­sio­nate, wasn’t it ? 

10 – Hyperconnection

How is it an enemy of the couple ?

We don’t need to spell it out for you : the tele­phone in bed, at the din­ner table, pro­fes­sio­nal e‑mails at the wee­kend… are a real poi­son for mar­ried life.

    Why ?
  • Because you’re was­ting a lot of time scrol­ling around that you could be spen­ding in love. 
  • Because hyper­con­nec­tion often pre­vents you from giving your full atten­tion and listening. 
  • Because screens unfor­tu­na­te­ly often replace other forms of inti­ma­cy in the bedroom 

How to protect yourself ?

The­re’s no secret : you have to set the rules.
    For example :
  • ➡️ No screens in the bedroom 
  • ➡️ No phones at the table 
At first they may not be easy to apply (habits die hard, and most of us have deve­lo­ped a real addic­tion to noti­fi­ca­tions of all kinds), but it’s worth it – hang in there !
Being a hap­py couple requires a lit­tle effort ! 

Conclusion

By now you know the 10 habits and beha­viors that we believe are most dama­ging to a couple, and can, in extreme cases, break up the relationship.
This list is by no means exhaus­tive, and above all, it’s not inten­ded to be alar­ming or guilt-indu­cing : no couple is per­fect, and if you find your­self in some of these ene­mies of the couple, it’s per­fect­ly nor­mal.
On the other hand, buil­ding a strong rela­tion­ship, even with a lot of love, is hard work. So we roll up our sleeves and get going.
How ? 
We sug­gest the fol­lo­wing exercise :
  1. Read this article together
  2. Iden­ti­fy the 2 rela­tion­ship ene­mies that you believe pose the grea­test threat to your relationship
  3. Dis­cuss the solu­tions pro­po­sed for each one and decide which ones you’d like to implement !

Don’t hesi­tate to tell us in the com­ments how it went !

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Our 5 tools to improve your couple’s communication

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10 relationship enemies to banish from your relationship

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➡️ Who we are
We are Lysiane and Romain new­ly­weds and co-foun­ders of Unio pre­ma­ri­tal counseling. 
A few years ago, we were exact­ly where you are now. We deci­ded to get mar­ried and set about pre­pa­ring for our big day with great excitement. 
It was great, but some­thing was clear­ly mis­sing. We wan­ted to to give real mea­ning to our com­mit­ment and pre­pare our­selves properly. 
That’s how Unio was born : the 100% secu­lar & online pre­ma­ri­tal coun­se­ling pro­gram. Read more »
➡️ Pre­pa­ring for mar­riage with Unio :
For lay the foun­da­tions for a solid mar­riage without spen­ding hours on it, and without going to church. 
Our pre­ma­ri­tal coun­se­ling program :
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