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Spending quality time as a couple to avoid becoming mere roommates

Sharing quality time together shouldn’t be the exclusive preserve of young couples. This time shared between lovers is essential : in fact, it’s one of the five five languages of love.
Unfortunately, as the years go by in a relationship, sharing moments just for the two of us becomes rarer and rarer for many lovers. They’re overwhelmed by the demands of daily life, constraints and stress… and without even realizing it, they risk slipping into a relationship of simple cohabitation. This can be a real source of suffering for spouses.

But there’s nothing inevitable about it : taking time out for your partner, sharing an activity together, is a choice (and a real need). In which constraints such as work and family life must be taken into account, but which can be consciously prioritized.
In this article, we’ll take you step-by-step through how to put these shared moments back at the heart of your relationship.

Spending quality time as a couple : what it’s not

Being physically in the same place does not mean sharing a moment

Do you really spend time together ?
If you live under the same roof, you may be tempted to retort that the answer is obvious : of course you spend time together !

Mathematically, yes, it’s true.
But is this time qualitative, or does it boil down to « management » time ? Taking care of the kids, having quick meals together, running into each other ?
Being physically together doesn’t necessarily mean spending a moment of complicity together ; it’s not necessarily a sign of a healthy relationship.

Avoid the risk of becoming mere roommates

Living together is not just about sharing quality time and nurturing emotional bonds.
For example, this isn’t really sharing a moment :

❌ Exchange only on « practical » topics, managing the house, children…
❌ Having all your meals together in front of the TV
❌ Scrolling through his phone as his partner recounts his day…
❌ Having the feeling of being only a parental couple and no longer a loving couple

Can you relate to some of these descriptions ?
Don’t panic ! If they’re not careful, many couples in long-term relationships will go through one or more phases where they’re nothing more than « collocs ». Or household co-managers. Or co-parents. Particularly in periods of intense life, with the arrival of young children for example.

And there’s no fatalism in that : becoming aware of it is the first step to changing the situation if it doesn’t suit you.
The second step : have a real conversation to put this primordial need to share back at the heart of your life.

Spending quality time as a couple : why it’s important

Quality time is essential at the start of a relationship…

In the early stages of a relationship, almost 100% of the time you spend together is quality time : endless discussions on the sofa, a long walk hand in hand along a river…
That’s what most couples go through when they form.

Then, as time goes by, these moments can become less frequent, without us really realizing it. We end up writing to each other just to ask to pick up the bread.

But these moments, so present in the beginning, were precious : they enabled you to discover each other, to create a real connection, to associate the notion of pleasure with your relationship… and to lay the foundations for a happy couple.

… and just as much after years of living together

The mistake is to believe that once this seduction phase is over, they’re no longer necessary. Quite the opposite !
They are the foundation of a solid, fulfilling relationship, making for a happy couple and keeping the flame burning.

They are essential for :

👉🏼 Solidify your relationship, making it a priority for both of you. It’s one thing to say it, but it’s even more important to show it in concrete terms by devoting time to it. To love is a verb of action !
👉🏼 Rediscover and develop communication and complicity : even after 10 years together, you still don’t know everything about each other ! Being a couple means remaining as curious about each other as you were at the beginning, exchanging information about your personal evolution… If you don’t know where to start, Unio premarital counseling will help you to have much richer discussions than Saturday’s shopping list !
NB : these moments are all the more important in times of relationship difficulties or when communication has broken down. They enable us to stay in touch despite difficulties.
👉🏼 Having fun and creating shared memories as a couple. At Unio, we often say that relationships are hard work. That’s true, but we mustn’t lose sight of an essential ingredient for a relationship to flourish : discovery, adventure, sharing, lightness…
👉🏼 Keep seducing you, keep the desire alive. And consider that nothing can be taken for granted, that the couple requires constant investment to maintain and develop intimacy. When you think about it, doesn’t it seem crazy to invest so much in your professional life and sometimes so little in the central relationship of your life ?

Couples who last happily are those who have decided to make their relationship a priority, and roll up their sleeves to do so.
A couple’s solidity isn’t just a question of big commitments, but also, and above all, of small everyday actions.

Spending quality time together : one of the languages of love

Are you familiar with the concept of the 5 love languages ? If no :

In a nutshell : it’s a concept developed by Gary Chapman in his book The Languages of Love. According to him, everyone expresses and wishes to receive love in a certain way (through words, physical touch…). And in any relationship, it’s essential to know your own language and that of the other person, so you can understand each other.
This theory applies to couples in love, but not only : family relationships, friendships…
Want to find out more ? We did an article on the the five languages of love. Knowing each other’s language is one of the keys to a successful relationship and lasting love !

Of these 5 languages, one is very common in romantic relationships. This is the language of « quality time ». People who speak this language feel particularly loved when their lover takes the time to really devote himself or herself to them and offers them his or her full attention.

Spending quality time as a couple : our tips for a vibrant love life

So how can you put these quality moments back at the heart of your relationship ? Here are our 3 tips for a satisfying relationship.

Transforming « classic » moments in life into quality time for your couple

Having a good time together doesn’t have to mean taking a year-long romantic trip around the world.

Some everyday actions can become a pretext for real moments of sharing. There’s just one condition : intention (which is what distinguishes a routine from a ritual).
And seize the opportunity to really tell you about your day, to play, to listen fully…

Let’s take an example : the Netflix evening. You have two options :

- Mechanically choose a program, sit on the opposite side of the sofa, spend the episode scrolling through your phones and never mention it again.
- Light a few candles, pour yourself a drink, curl up in each other’s arms, then talk about what you’ve just watched…

For the same initial action, the feeling you’ll have afterwards will be very different, won’t it ?

💡 In concrete terms, here’s what we suggest you do :

List the times when you’re actually together. It could be morning coffee, hanging out the washing, preparing meals…
Reflect together on how to « spice up » these moments to transform them into quality time together as a couple.

🔥 Put the magic back into everyday life !

Dedicate more quality time to your relationship

If you feel that this dimension of your relationship is being overlooked in your married life, it’s time to roll up your sleeves ! It’s essential for a strong couple !

Take some time together to discuss how much time you could spare for your relationship.
Depending on your personal, professional or family situation, this can take many forms. From a few minutes a day before the children get up to one weekend a month, it’s up to you to decide what’s possible for you. And what makes you want to find your balance !

We’ll come up with lots of ideas in the next section, but you can already set the rules for these moments together :

👉🏼 Devote 100% of your time to each other, putting aside all forms of distraction : telephone, children…
👉🏼 Banish any « logistical » aspect from these moments. You’re here to share a moment, talk about yourself and your relationship. Not to make the next week’s to-do list and talk about household chores !

Ideas for quality time with your partner

This quality time can take the form of a new shared hobby (or a course to take together), a simple walk around the neighborhood with your partner, a moment of sexuality or tenderness, a dinner for two in a restaurant or at home…

The objective ? Spend time together just for the fun of it, taking a break together to nurture your connection and bond… and thus enrich your life as a couple.

The key to all this is to plan ahead, especially if you live your life at a thousand miles an hour.

Another idea if you are future brides and grooms : start a premarital counseling program to experience seven moments of intense connection as lovers.

Bonus : a little exercise you can do right now to nurture your relationship with your partner.

If you’re together, do it face-to-face, otherwise you can exchange messages.

➡️ Take out your diary for the week ahead, and define a time slot that you want to devote 100% to your relationship. Block it in your 2 diaries.
➡️ Discuss what you want to do with it, and organize what needs to be done (childcare, getting off work early…). Eventually, appoint someone to be in charge, so you can swap roles next time !

You’ll see : organizing will allow you to project yourself into the moment. You’ll be enjoying your time together even before you realize it !
And little by little, giving yourself these moments will become an inescapable habit !

Conclusion

Sharing moments just for the two of you doesn’t have to be the exclusive preserve of young couples. And yet, as time goes by, this becomes increasingly rare for many couples : daily life, obligations, stress… take over and we can quickly, without realizing it, become mere roommates.

But there’s no such thing as fatality : all you have to do is roll up your sleeves. Quality time is the cornerstone of a fulfilling relationship. They create a deep emotional connection and strengthen mutual understanding. They can also help ease tension in a relationship.

So let’s get off the phone and enjoy some quality time together !